Bowl Of Chili
A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chili. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself." He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

Two Engines
A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down.  "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half-power.  Further on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that this is a train and not a plane."

The Koala Bear
A Koala bear walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich and the bartender brings him a sandwich  The Koala eats the sandwich and gets up, spins around, pulls a pistol out of his pouch, shoots the piano player, an proceeds to walk out of the bar.  The bartender, in shock, shouts to the Koala, "hey who do you think you are, you ate my sandwich and shot my piano player, and just where do you think your going! The Koala replies, "Hey I'm a Koala. Look it up."  The frustrated bartender pulls out a dictionary from behind the bar and looks up Koala: "n. a marsupial that eats shoots and leaves."

At The Store
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."  Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."  When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamour for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."  The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began. The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

You know you are addicted to coffee if ...
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You short out motion detectors.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You answer the door before people knock.

Two Rednecks
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"  Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat". "What fer?", asked Bubba.  "Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl.  Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch".

Be Careful What You Wish For
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.

Talking Gong
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.  "Why, that's my talking clock," the man replied.  "How does it work?" asked one of his friends.  "Watch this," the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.  Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "Hey jerk! It's 2 in the freaking morning!"

Elderly Couple at McDonalds
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.  Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.  The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.  The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."  The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth.

Pizza Delivery
"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when, Jason, a college boy delivered his pizza.  "Well," Jason replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."  "Is that so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars."  "Thanks," Jason said, "I'll put it in my college fund."  "By the way, what are you studying?" inquired the man.  Jason replied, "Applied psychology."

Rabbi's Advice
Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."  The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"  The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."  The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"  The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."  A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"  The man anxiously says, "Yes."  "Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

Curse Of The Duck
Three teenaged boys (Jason, Brian, Carl), were walking along one night on the town. They turned down a dark alley and after a few feet the boys heard a loud "squish" and a painful "quack". The boys looked around and finally Carl looked under his feet and saw he had stepped on a duck. Then out from behind a trash can, an old elderly voodoo lady came out and yelled a voodoo chant that they could not understand. The boys looked at each other in confusion and asked the lady what she said. She just said she had placed a cursed on them. The boys then ran off in fright. A week later, Carl and Jason were walking along and turned a corner seeing Brian kissing the most ugly, disgusting girl they had ever seen. The two of them shouted "What are you doing Brian?!?!?!?" He turned his head and replied, "I stepped on a duck!". The two didn't say anything and walked off to leave his friend and his newly found love alone.  Another week later, Carl and Brian were walking and turned a corner and saw Jason, kissing the most ugly and disgusting girl they had ever seen. The both of them shouted, "Hey, what are you doin' Jason?!?!?!". Jason turned his head and replied, "I stepped on a duck!". Carl then began to catch to what this "curse" was all about.   A month went bye and nothing happened. Then one day, Jason and Brian were walking along and turned a corner and saw Carl kissing the most beautiful girl they had ever laid their eyes on. They started shouting, "Yeah Carl! Way to go you stud!".  Then the girl turned her head and said, "I stepped on a duck!"

Memorial Stone
A Jewish woman's husband dies and she has only $20,000 to her name.  After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that she has no money left.  The friend says, "How can that be?  You told me you still had $20,000 left just a few days before your husband died.  How could you be broke?"  The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000.  And of course,  I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another $5,000.  The rest went for the memorial stone.  The friend says, "$10,000 for the memorial stone?  My God, how big was it?"  Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."

Finance Joke
* 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
* 114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped/year.
* 18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled/hour.
* 2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year.
* 2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers.
* Two planes landed at Chicago's O'Hare airport will be unsafe every day.
* 315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled.
* 20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year.
* 880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips.
* 103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly during the year.
* 5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat.
* 291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly.
* 3056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections... now that's a real problem!!!

A RICH Cheater
There was this couple who had just gotten married. On the honeymoon the husband placed a box under their bed he says to his wife, "Honey as long as we are married never ever look in this box." Being the good wife she was she obeyed him and did not look in the box. After 15 years of marriage she never looked in the box. Until one day she could not take it she had to look in the box or she was going to go crazy. So she looked in the box all that was in there were three cans and a thousand dollars.  Later that night at dinner she looked at her husband and said, "Hon, I looked in you box the one under the bed."  "Oh," said the husband.  "Why are there three cans in your box?" asked the wife.  "Dear, every time I cheated on you I put a can into the box." replied the husband.  "And the thousand dollars?" questioned the wife.  "Well you see when the box got full I had to recycle."

Lame Pick Up Lines
- You're like milk, i want to make you a part of my complete breakfast
- My pickup line was published on the Internet... Would you like to hear it?
- A few years ago a man walked up to me and this was his pick up line.  Honey, you're so sweet I get sugar diabetes just looking at you.
- Hey gorgeous the power company is looking for you you're so electrifying.
- Talking to a girl who is just leaving: "Hey you forgot something". When she turns around and asks what, you just say "ME".
- Do you believe at love at first sight or do you want me to walk past again."
- Is your mother a thief? (pause) She must have been to steal the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
- It's times like this, I wish I was a swizzle stick.

Bad Excuses for Speeding
1. My brakes weren't working, officer, but hey what do ya know...they're working just fine now.
2. Do you mind, officer, I'm missing Wheel-of-Fortune.
3. If you'd be willing to look the other way this one time, officer, I'd make it worth your while...say, a rent one get one free coupon for Skippy's Video Galore?
4. I was just making sure that your radar gun was working properly. 88 MPH, you say? Yep, it's in perfect condition.
5. I'm sorry, officer, but I'm rushing my wife to the hospital. Where's my wife? Dang it!  I knew I forgot something!
6. I'm rushing home to answer the telephone.
7. I just took a laxative. Now either let me go or watch me go, your choice.
8. I'm employed by O.J. Simpson and I'm in hot pursuit of the real killer.
9. Don't talk to me, officer, talk to K.I.T.
.....And the worst excuse when stopped for speeding:
10. The devil made me do it.

THE SINGLE LIFE
A man walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner

The girl at the checkout says, "You must be single!"  The guy sarcastically says, "Gee, how did you guess?"  The girl at the checkout says, "Because you're really ugly."

Q: Why did the tomato start blushing?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!

Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: Because it had not guts

Late Night
At about 3 a.m., a guy was drunk as a skunk. He came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, he cuckooed nine more times, hoping his wife would think it was midnight.  He was very proud of himself.  The next day, his wife asked what time he got home, and he replied, "Midnight, just like I said." She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Dang!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."

Things to Do In An Elevator...
When people get on, ask for their tickets.
When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Mike. How's your day been?"
Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, say "that's mine!"
Push your floor button with your nose.
Stand alone, and when the doors open tell people trying to get on that the car is full and that they should wait for the next one.
Ride naked.
Push the top floor button and announce that you tried to kill yourself yesterday but the other  building wasn't high enough.
What did Spock see when he looked in the toilet???  The Captain's log.....
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?  NACHO CHEESE!!!

Blondes Strike Back
What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure? No one else wants it.
What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes? Invisible.
What's a brunette's mating call? "Has the blonde left yet?"
What do brunettes miss most about a great party? The invitation
What do you call a good looking man with a brunette? A hostage

Three Dogs...
A Doberman, a Collie and a Chihuahua were sitting at a bar.  A poodle comes up to the bar and says: "Whoever can use liver and cheese in a sentence I will marry!"  The Doberman thinking he had a chance says: "I LIKE liver and cheese!!"  The poodle was not impressed.  "Oh please" said the poodle "you have to be able to do better than that!!"  The collie also thinking he had a chance, says:  "I HATE liver and Cheese!!"  The poodle sighed and said: "That was original!"  So the Chihuahua pipes up, I can beat both of those sentences.  The poodle says: "O.k. give it your best shot."  So the Chihuahua says:  "Liver alone Cheese mine" (leave her alone she is mine)

There are 2 flies in the kitchen, which one is the cowboy?
The one on the range.

Cell Phone Man
This guy was in a bar talking to his hand.  The bartender came to him and said, "I do not want weirdos in my bar. I might ask you to leave."  The guy said, "I'm talking to my cell phone. I got tired of carrying my cell phone so I had it embedded into my hand." The bartender did not believe him, so the guy had the bartender dial a number and then talked into his hand. The bartender said, "How cool!"  As the evening went on the bar got more crowded. The bartender looked up and noticed the guy was gone but his drink and cigarettes were still there. The bartender got worried and went looking for him.  The bartender went into the bathroom and saw the guy on the floor with his pants down to his knees and a roll of toilet paper up his butt. The bartender asked, "Are you OK? Who did this to you?"  The guy replied, "I'm OK, just waiting for a fax!"

3 Bricks, and a Bomb
A helicopter was ordered by the President to go drop three bricks and a bomb on Iraq as a warning of what America will do to Iraq's citizens if Saddaam won't get rid of his chemical weapons.  As the helicopter was going to travel to Iraq the hatch of the helicopter was not securely fastened and the 3 bricks and a bomb fell out of the helicopter.  The people in the helicopter were worried about the American citizens that might of got hit w/ the falling objects. So they went down to see if everyone was ok.  When they went down to check on the people, they discovered a girl crying. The pilot asked, "Girl why are you crying?" The girl answered, "Because a brick hit my dad and he died."  They took care of the girl and saw another young man crying. The asked the young boy why he was crying, and he said a brick his mom and she died.  They took care of the boy, and saw a woman crying. The pilot again asked, "Woman, why are you crying?" The woman answered, "A brick hit my baby and it died." They took care of the woman and moved on.  They came upon another young boy, but this time, the boy was laughing hysterically. The pilot did not understand why the boy would be laughing and asked him why. The boy then answered, "I'm laughing because I farted and blew up a building!"

What is a Cat?
1.  Cats do what they want.
2.  They rarely listen to you.
3.  They're totally unpredictable.
4.  They whine when they are not happy.
5.  When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6.  When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7.  They expect you to cater for their every whim.
8.  They're moody.
9.  They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion:  They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.