In just two days tomorrow will be yesterday. But I never saw either on the calendar

Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, He takes something for it.

Never be afraid to try something new, Remember amateurs built the ark - Professionals built the Titanic.

Love is grand - divorce is a hundred grand.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common, they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

One of life's mysteries - How can a two pound box of candy make a person gain five pounds.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

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Bubba and Earl were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

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Definition of an engineer - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

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Signs it's your last day at work ......

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox and gave her your mail.

As a woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn!" Your boss is standing behind you. And it's his wife.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.

You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"

You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

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A man and a women are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the man says, "So you're a woman, that's interesting. I'm a man. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days. The woman replied, "I agree with you completely." "This must be a sign from God!" The man continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the woman, The woman nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the man. The man takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the woman. The woman asks, "Aren't you having any?" The man replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

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What happens when a clown has flatulency?

It smells funny.

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A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4,000 to repair. She said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it. The body man decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out." She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit. "What are you doing?" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide. "I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car," explained the first blonde. "Well silly, it's not going to work," replied her neighbor. "Why not?" asked the first blonde. "Because you've got to roll up the windows first."

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One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

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A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house." The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?" The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is **I have a headache** and the other story is **It's that time of the month.** "

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What do you name a dog with no legs?

Nothing, he won't come when you call him anyway!!

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10 Reasons Why You Should Ask Your Boss For A Raise

10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.

9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.

8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.

7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.

6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.

5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.

4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender."

3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.

2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.

1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.

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There was a bear and a rabbit. Now Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them. The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case. Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

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25 Signs that Your Getting OLD

1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

2. Your back goes out more than you do.

3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.

5. You are proud of your lawn mower.

6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.

7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

8. You sing along with the elevator music.

9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."

14. You send money to PBS.

15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

16. You take a metal detector to the beach.

17. You know what the word "equity" means.

18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

19. Your ears are hairier than your head.

20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.

23. You can go bowling without drinking.

24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

25. People send you this list.

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An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

PS: Sure is hot down here.

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What do you call a fish without an eye?

A fsh!!!!

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On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

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Hard work often pays off over time, but laziness pays off now.

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A stupid man who answers every question with "I Don't Know" is truly wise for he is never wrong.

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Haircuts - The difference between men and women

Women's version:

================

Woman 2: Oh!  You got a haircut!  That's so cute!

Woman 1: Do you think so?  I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror.  I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 2: Oh Heavens no!  No, it's perfect.  I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide.  I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 1: Are you serious?  I think your face is adorable.  And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think.  I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 2: Oh - that's funny!  I would love to have your neck!  Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman 1: Are you kidding?  I know girls that would love to have your shoulders.  Everything drapes so well on you.  I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are?  If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Men's version:

=============

Man 2:  Haircut?

Man 1:  Yeah.

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Can you imagine working for the following company?  It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

- 29 have been accused of spousal abuse.

- 7 have been arrested for fraud

- 19 have been accused of passing bad checks.

-117 have bankrupted at least two businesses.

- 3 have been arrested for assault.

- 71 cannot get credit or loans due to bad credit histories.

- 14 have been arrested on drug related charges.

- 8 have been arrested for shoplifting.

- 21 are current defendants on various lawsuits.

- In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving.

Can you guess what organization this is? Give up?  It is the 535 members of the U.S. Congress that work for me and you.  The same group that cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

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There once was a man from New Haven

Whose daughter resembled a raven.

He daily would feed

Her only birdseed.

Just think of the money he's savin'!

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For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love!  An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

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There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man.  One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drives off. The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves. The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.  Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me! What happened?" God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"

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Little Johnny was walking down the street. He noticed something shiny in the middle of the road. "Hey look," he said to his friend, "it's a quarter!" His friend rushed into the middle of the street and got run over by a car. Little Johnny laughed and laughed "Ha ha, it was only a nickel!"

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If Men TRULY Ran The World...

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the rear and a "Nice hustle, you'll get' em next time" would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.

5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

6. Garbage would take itself out.

7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Two words..."Ally McNaked".

12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".

19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

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Read You Loud And Clear...

Examples of unclear writing (Sentences taken from actual letters received by Welfare Department in Application for Support.)

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

2. I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old . When do I get my money?

3. Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why.

5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

6. This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it.

7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows.

8. I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

9. In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.

10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see.

11. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

13. You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference.

14. I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

15. In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

16. I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send  for another doctor.

17. Bill Smith worked for us for six months and when he left we were happy, we hope this help his caractor.

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A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun. "Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview. "Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered. The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said. The  day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock.  The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked. "One," said the lad. "One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted. "Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck." "You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment. "He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "

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19 funny things to do in a bathroom stall:

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh no!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Man, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor.  Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

14. Say, "Dang, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.  Now what am I gonna do?"

15. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

16. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

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Actual Titles of 'Country' Songs . . . yee-haw y'all

1. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

2. How Can I Miss You, If You Won't Go Away?

3. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In Bed

4. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth, 'Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye

5. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself, Or Go Bowling

6. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger

7. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

8 . I Just Bought a Car From a Guy That Stole My Girl, but The Car Don't Run; so I figure we Got An Even Deal

9. I Keep Forgetten' I Forgot About You

10. I Liked You Better, Before I Knew You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

12. I Wouldn't Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

13. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

14. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

15. Please Bypass this Heart?

16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

17. Mama Get a Hammer (There's a Fly On Papa's Head)

18. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus

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A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blond and the bouncer is blond. I'm a 6' tall, 200-pound black belt veteran of the Special Forces. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5", pushing 300 pounds and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blond. Think about it, mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"  The blind guy thinks for a moment and replies, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, The princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what, metal, wood, plastic-anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If Your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would Marry her and inherit the king's wealth.  Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a Very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in this bag and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily Ever After.  Question: What was the object in the prince's bag? They were M&M's, of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

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50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final or midterm exams)

a.. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

b.. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

c.. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

d.. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

e.. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

f.. Bring cheerleaders.

g.. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

h.. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.

i.. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

j.. Bring pets.

k.. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

l.. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

m.. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

n.. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

o.. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

p.. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

q.. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

r.. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

s.. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

t.. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

u.. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

v.. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

w.. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

x.. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.

y.. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

z.. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

aa.. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a Clapper. DUH!"

ab.. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

ac.. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the Phantom of the Opera" until they drag you away.

ad.. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

ae.. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "You don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? 'Days of our Lives' is on!!!"

af.. Bring a water pistol with you. 'Nuff said.

ag.. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to ~Jeopardy~. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to "The Bridge on the River Kwai."

ah.. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

ai.. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

aj.. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

ak.. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

al.. Bring cheat sheets TO ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious...like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

am.. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

an.. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

ao.. One word: Wrestlemania.

ap.. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

aq.. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

ar.. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

as.. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

at.. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

au.. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

av.. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

aw.. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

ax.. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

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How many blonde jokes are there?

None, they are all true!!!

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There is a blonde, she wants to buy a microwave. So she goes in and asks the sales clerk, "How much for that microwave?" The salesclerk replies, "We don't sell Microwaves to blondes." So the next day she dyes her hair red, and goes in and asks the same question.  The sales clerk answers, "we don't sell microwaves to blondes." So the next day she dyes her hair brunette and goes and asks the same question. The salesclerk replies the same way. The blonde asks how he knows she is a blonde. The clerk says, "That isn't a microwave it's a TV."

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Why do they bury Attorney's 10 feet under?

Because deep down they're really good people.

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Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

I don't get even, I get odder.

Dijon vu --the same mustard as before.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I am in shape.  Round is a shape.

Not afraid of heights -- afraid of widths.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

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MORE ways to annoy the person next to you in a public library

53. Instead of a laptop, bring your entire computer!

54. While working at a laptop, suddenly stand up, and announce to every one, "I have mail!!"

55. Start staring at the person, and when you have their attention, announce, "I measure sock by thickness!"

56. Turn to the person next to you, and ask them to pronounce their name backwards. When they ask you why, tell them that you are looking for hidden messages.

57. State proudly that you have been to the 'other' side. Give no explanation.

58. Suddenly grasp your heart, let out a wail, and fall to the ground. Then get back up like nothing happened.

59. Collapse on the floor. Then get up like nothing happened. When the person next to asked what is wrong, look at him/her with an inquiring look on your face, and say, "What do you mean?"

60. Say, "It always starts so weird, and they do it so weird." When they ask, "What?" say, "Ohh, sorry. I'm back now."

61. Start telling a VERY strange story, then half way through say, "Never mind."

62. Turn to them and while pointing your fingers at them as if you were electrocuting them, say, "BUZZ!!! BUZZ!!. . ."

63. Start arguing with yourself. When they ask you who you are talking to, say, "Your just jealous 'cause the voices are talking to ME!!!"

64. Say, "Who's Freddie?" Then act like you didn't say anything.

65. Say, "Argh! My central nervous system in shot! Quick! Give me blue china!!!"

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Deep Thought: Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.  If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

---by Jack Handy

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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.  "But officer." the man began, "I can explain". "Just be quiet," snapped the officer.  "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet!  You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.  Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong dog out of the window."

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Advice for Men While Golfing or Peeing in Public

10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

9. Form a loose grip.

8. Keep your head down.

7. Avoid a quick back swing.

6. Stay out of the water.

5. Try not to hit anyone.

4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

3. Don't stand directly in front of others.

2. Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.

1. Don't take extra strokes.

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YOU CAN'T JUDGE A PERSON BY THE CLOTHES WORN

A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the Harvard University president's outer office.  The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge. She frowned.  "We want to see the president," the man said softly. "He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped.  "We'll wait," the lady replied. For hours, the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away.  They didn't, and the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted. "Maybe if they just see you for a few minutes they'll leave," she told him. He signed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern faced with dignity, strutted toward the couple. The lady told him, "We had a son who attended Harvard for one year.  He loved Harvard.  He was happy here.  But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed.  And my husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus." The president wasn't touched, he was shocked.  "Madam," he said gruffly, "We can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery."   "Oh, no," the lady explained quickly.  "We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard." The president rolled his eyes.  He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building!  Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs?  We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical plant at Harvard." For a moment the lady was silent.  The president was pleased.  He could get rid of them now. And the lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a university?  Why don't we just start our own?" Her husband nodded.  The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.  And Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California, where they established the university that bears their name, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about. You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who do nothing for them or to them.

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This is a true  story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a  recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer support employee (now we know why they record these conversations!)

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes -- the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.  ...Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!"

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The Bitter Soldier

The soldier serving in eastern Asia was annoyed and upset when his girl
sent him a "Dear John" letter, breaking off their engagement and asking
for her photograph back.

The serviceman went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted
photographs of women that he could find. Then he bundled them all together
and sent them back to the girl with a note saying: "Regret cannot remember
which one is you - please keep your photo and return the others.

The difference between men and women:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item, if he wants it.  A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.  A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.  A successful woman is one who can find that man.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.  To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man can forget his past mistakes, there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.
A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't.  A man marries a woman expecting her not to change and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.  Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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Quick Comebacks to use in your neighborhood tavern .....

"What's new ?"  "Terrorists. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."

"What'd you like?"  "A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"Hey, how's the world been treating you?"  "Like a baby treats a diaper."

"What's the story ?"  "The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey, there's a cold one waiting for you."  "I know; if she calls, I'm not here."

"What's going on?"  "A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Whatcha up to?"  "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"What's going down?"  "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer?"  "Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"What's the story?"  "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"What's going on?"  "The question is what's going IN, Mr. Peterson?"

"A beer please, Woody."

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The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string.  It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

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Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.

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Computer Acronyms

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

WWW - World Wide Wait

COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

CD-ROM - Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.

MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

RISC - Reduced Into Silly Code

SCSI - System Can't See It

DOS - Defective Operating System

BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM - I Blame Microsoft

DEC - Do Expect Cuts

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I read an article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

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Things men know:

Men know that PMS is Mother Natures way of telling you to get out of the house.

Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.

Men know that there are at least three sides to every story; his, hers, and the truth.

Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man not to stare at her cleavage.

Men know that the reason men don't like cats is because they don't know how to cook them.

Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

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You Might Be A Redneck If...

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

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Words of Wisdom:

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Borrow money from pessimists: they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn.  She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and  coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.

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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?

Just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

If you crossed a chicken with a zebra would you get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?

If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?

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A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men's room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR". Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!." Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.

When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover.."

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New and Interesting Thanksgiving Turkey Uses

As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with.

As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, "Aren't they a wonderful band!" for the 25th time.

As a hood ornament.

As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Harriet can't kiss you and say, "How much you've grown!"

As a football for the after-meal game.

Fill it with whip cream - watch the fun.

Bury in the yard; for future midnight snacks.

If you're flying home, take the carcass as a carry-on. See what it looks like in the X-ray machine. Better et, put it in a pet carrier and ask the flight attendant for some chicken feed.

As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to test the range of the splatter upon impact.

As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!)

As a doorstop to keep your relatives out.

Makes a great doggie chew toy.

Wear as a helmet, declaring, "I'm TURKEYMAN!"

Before serving, paste feathers on the poor naked creature.

Secretly replace with Folgers turkey crystals.

Place a speaker inside the bird, and from another room, amaze your guests with this talking fowl!

Throw the turkey out the window yelling, "You're FREE! Fly! FLY!"

Two words: Turkey puppet.

Toss the carcass into a turkey farm to intimidate next year's stock.

Attach to a fishing pole, slowly drive around the neighborhood in the back of a pickup

and see how many dogs follow you.

From a concealed location, toss in front of a passing car. When they stop, run out screaming that they hit your dog!

As in an old murder mystery, question all the dinner guests in an attempt to discover who killed the guest of honor.

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Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.

- - - - - - - - - -

Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

- - - - - - - - -

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

- - - - - - - - - -

This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

- - - - - - - - - -

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

- - - - - - - - -

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

- - - - - - - - - -

If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

- - - - - - - - - -

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

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Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

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Fun At the  Drive-Thru

Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order- takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please".

In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

Drive through with a carload of naked people.

Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order,

have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

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As I said before, I never repeat myself

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Drink until she's cute, but stop before the wedding

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder

Don't hit a man with glasses.....Use your fist

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes

When everything's going your way, you're driving in the wrong lane

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Excuses and opinions are like butts everyone's got 'em and they all stink.

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In Phoenix, Arizona the law states that every man who enters the city limits must wear pants.

In Hackberry, Arizona there is a law that prohibits women from eating raw onions while drinking buttermilk on Sunday.

In some parts of the south, a widow or divorced woman isn't allowed to dry her underwear on the front porch or on a clothesline before the sun goes down.

In some parts of the south, women aren't allowed to eat pickles with their feet up on porch railings.

It is illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas while within the state.

The state legislature passed a law that the Arkansas River can raise no higher than the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.

Florida prohibits topless walking within a 150 foot zone between the beach and the street.

In Florida it is illegal to jog with your eyes closed.

In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having relations with his wife.

It is illegal to eat oranges while bathing in California.

In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your back pocket.

In Fairbanks, Alaska it is illegal to give beer to a moose.

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A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the  ladders, dropping the tape measures--the whole thing is just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs.

"Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

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Jeff Smith, aka The Frugal Gourmet, read this on the air. Apparently a letter from a viewer: "I have had my turkey in the freezer for a year and a half. Will it take longer to thaw?"

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HOW TO LIVEN UP THANKSGIVING DINNER

Open the oven, shove hunks of Velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.

Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking.

Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.

Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home.

Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice, you were worried for nothing."

When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.

Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you, "THE SAFETY IS ON", while you hold your pocket.

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I know that people say "It's the thought that counts, not the gift", but couldn't people think a little bigger!

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Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it's on my Visa Card Statement twelve months a year also.

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Some of these new toys are so creative and inventive. This year they have a Neurotic Doll. It's wound up already.

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The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"

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What do you get when you put Spice Girls in the toaster?

Pop Tarts.

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The phone rings at KGB headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this KGB?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.

"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"

"Yes."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yes, they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

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A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, 'I'm sorry,  but we don't serve strings here.' The string walked away and sat down with his friends. A few minutes later he walked back up to the bar and ordered a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, 'I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here.'  So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar. His friends think that he's crazy. So, he orders a beer. The bartender squints at him and says, 'Hey, aren't you a string?' And the string says, 'Nope, I'm a frayed knot.'

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I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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There was a doctor who was the most respected in town. He wanted more time with his family, so he decided to clone himself to cut down on his work load. He was very successful. No one could tell that they were being examined by a clone and not the real doctor. After a while, the clone became vulgar and he would tell his patients dirty jokes.  The doctor realized all of this and decided that he needed to kill the clone to save his name. He took the clone to a cliff outside of town and pushed him off. The next day, however, the police found out and arrested the doctor for making an OBSENE CLONE FALL.

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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

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Psychological Christmas Songs

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell....

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me

(and then took it all away).

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A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled.  My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That twice.' We hadn't gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.' "

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How to write a college paper:

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted area with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

5. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate.

6. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

7. Check your email.

8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

9. Check your email.

10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

12. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.

13. Listen to the other side.

14. Check your email.

15. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

16. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the college, the world at large.

17. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

18. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your toungue; savor it's special flavor.

19. Check your email.

20. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.

21. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on Channel 26.

22. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discus the finer points of the plot.

23. Check your email.

24. Look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

25. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

26. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

27. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench coated strangers lurking in the hall.

28. Check your email.

29. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

30. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.

31. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

32. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

33. Check your email.

34. Leap up and write the paper.

35. Type the paper, and while you're at it, check your email.

36. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that darn paper.

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I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

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A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain at a bar in Texas. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid here in the South." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee!"

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One day, Hanson and the Spice Girls were all on an airplane, and they get into a discussion when Baby Spice stated "You know, I could toss a thousand dollars out the window of this plane and make one person very happy." Then, the oldest Hanson brother said, "Well, I could toss ten one hundred dollar bills out the plane and make ten people happy." Then Sporty Spice said, "Well, I could toss one hundred ten dollar bills out, and make one hundred people happy!" Then the middle Hanson brother very proudly said, "Well, I could toss one thousand one dollar bills out the window and make one thousand people happy!" Sick of the discussion, another passenger said, "Well, I have a better idea, I could toss all of you out the window and make the entire world happy!"

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Daily Affirmations

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

Joan of Arc heard voices too.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself.  The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

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Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

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Sign in a Laundromat
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?  

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS  

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

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Annual Fruitcake Recipe

1 cup water

1 cup sugar

4 large eggs

2 cups dried fruit

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon salt

1 cup brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts

1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.

Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.  Make sure the whiskey is still OK.

Cry another tup.  Turn off mixer. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something.  Who cares?  Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.  Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.  Throw the bowl out of the window.

Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.  Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

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I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him,

chances are you won't be needing him again.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

My Reality Check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

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A child of five could understand this.  Quick, Fetch me a child of five.

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One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with "This was England's finest hour."  Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill." "Congratulations!" Said the teacher, "You may go home." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy". "Very good," says the teacher, "you may go." Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."  Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it.  Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."

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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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This has got to be the all-time classic comeback. This is an exact recount of US National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

GENERAL REINWALD: 'We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?" The radio went silent and the interview ended. What a man ;)

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This story is about a rather strange reply for a campground reservation. It is said to be true, but you be the judge. A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant - especially in her language - was planning a week's vacation in Florida so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the  campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word 'TOILET' in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term 'BATHROOM COMMODE.' But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward.  So, she started all over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. 'Does the campground have it's own B.C.?' is what she actually wrote.  Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several  campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply: 'Dear Madam: I regret very much for the delay in answering your letter. I now take the pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people usually take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly but it is sure no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community.'

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How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, its a hardware problem!

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Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

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Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

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Men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

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When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed.  You must promise never to look in it."  In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.  However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.  In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry.  For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth.  Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess  after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together." They hugged and made their peace.  A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

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I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

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What is at The beginning of eternity,

The end of time and space,

The beginning of every end,

And the end of every place ?

The Letter E

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Two robins were sitting in a tree.  "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Me, too" said the second.  "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one. "Me either.  Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "O.K." said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun.  No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat sneaked up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."

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A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

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A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"? The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here. I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me !" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied . "Ma'am ...that's your air freshener.

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Two Drops Every Four Hours

My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice. He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it. Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil. The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

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Quote me as being misquoted

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Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts... groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."

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Sometimes I get the feeling that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.

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There is a thin line between insanity and all other forms of life. I am slowly removing this line because I feel that everyone would be better off crazy.

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Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house

Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste

At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!

When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;

The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese

And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt

And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---

I said to myself, as I only can

"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,

Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished

"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.

I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,

I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---

But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.

Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

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If the shoe fits .......Get another one just like it

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A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."

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What are Y2k analysts and programmers gonna do after Year 2000?

Become expert witnesses.

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He who laughs last, didn't get the joke.

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What did Adam say to Eve at Christmas ?

ITS CHRISTMAS EVE !!!!

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Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be  convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement.  But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

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Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.

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Road kill Barbecue Sauce: "If it tastes too strong, it's been dead too long."

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A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.  Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.  The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says.....It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

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You think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?

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What will really happen in the Year 2000.

"99 Bottles of Beer" song gets stuck in an infinite loop

At the stroke of midnight on 12/31/1999, Windows 99* turns back into DOS 1.0; the Pentium* V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.

Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only two digits.

Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost 1900, we technically have to "party like it's 1899" (which, frankly, doesn't seem like that much fun).

Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the "Gatesian" Calendar.

Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe personnel shortage at McDonald's restaurants.

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My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips

I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian

College Is Just One Big Party,  With a $25,000 Cover Charge

Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional

Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.

If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen

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WEB ADDICTION HOLIDAY SING ALONG!

(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',

From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',

I'm happy -- although

My boss let me go --

Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,

Unaware time is ticking,

There's a beard on my cheek,

Same clothes for a week,

Happily addicted to the Web!

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!

Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"

With a listless shrug, I mutter "No, man;

I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,

Don't go out, don't pay taxes,

Who cares if someday

They drag me away?

I'm happily addicted to the Web!

Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)

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A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

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My dad was a great magician. He was Walking down the street the other day and turned into a bar.....

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I asked my old man if I can go ice-skating on the lake.  He told me to wait till it gets warmer."

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Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?" "Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

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Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -- 'Take a clean dish...' "

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The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

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A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature". Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

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Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"

InDUHvidual: "It says, HIT ENTER when ready."

Tech Support: "Well?"

InDUHvidual: "How do I know when its ready?"

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Jon and Amanpreet are in a mental institution. This place has an annual contest, where they pick two of the best patients and give them two questions. If they get them correct, they are deemed cured and are free to go. Jon is called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understands that he would be free if he answers the questions correctly.  Doctor says, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Jon answers, "I'd be half blind, doc." "That's correct. What if I poked out both of your eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The doctor got up, shook his hand and told him he was free. On Jon's way out, while the doctor is filling out the paperwork, Jon mentions the exam to Amanpreet. He tells him what questions are going to be asked, and also the answers. Amanpreet is called in. The doctor goes through the formalities and asks, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?" Amanpreet, remembering what Jon said was the correct answer, says, "I'd be half blind." The doctor is a little puzzled, but he carries on.  "What if I cut off both of your ears?" "I'd be completely blind." Amanpreet answers.  "Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be blind?" "My hat would fall over my eyes."

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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?"

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A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing. The pastor said to the others, "I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down on the shore. Then, the priest says to the rabbi, "I think I going to go over there to join him." So, he does the same as the pastor and sits next to him on the shore. The rabbi thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it, so can I!" So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water. The pastor says to the priest, "Do you think we should of told him where the rocks were?"

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There were two blondes walking down the street one day and they came upon a compact.  One of the blondes picked it up and opened it. She says, "Boy this picture sure does look familiar." The other blonde takes it and opens it, and says, "you idiot that is a picture of me!"

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Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."  The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

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A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"  The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."  The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections

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A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us." "It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "Say what?" replied the man in disbelief. "You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

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A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."

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What does an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do?
Stays up all night wondering if there's a Dog.

This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the Washington Post.  Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the Summer":
1) (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
2) So many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
5) If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going
6) At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All... I Just Can't Remember It All
7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
10) If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
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T-SHIRT HUMOR
"Be Nice to Your Children...They'll Pick Your Nursing Home"
"Husbands Should Come With Instructions"
"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
"Bigamy Is Having One Wife Too Many.  Monogamy Is the Same"
"Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton"
"A Nest Isn't Empty Until All Their Stuff Is Out of the Attic"
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
"Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups"
"(On a baby-size shirt) "Party - My Crib - Two A.M."
"I'm Not 50. I'm $49.95 Plus Shipping & Handling "
"I'm on a 30-Day Diet. So Far I've Lost 15 Days"
"Your Kid May Be an Honor Student, But You're Still an idiot"
"When You Do a Good Deed, Get a Receipt, in Case Heaven Is Like the IRS"
"Growing Old Is Mandatory... Growing Up Is Optional"
"Parents of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young"
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Subject: If Israel Bought Microsoft...
1) The next version of Windows would be named Windows 99; Eh, maybe 2000; Would you settle for Windows 2001?
2) Every mouse would need to be stamped with the Kosher symbol.
3) Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC would get  "Verklemmt".
4) Hanukkah screen savers with "Flying Draydles".
5) The phone support department would now feel very guilty about leaving "on hold" for 20 minutes.
6) Your [Start] button would be replaced with a [Let's go, I'm not getting any younger] button.
7) "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already your killing me, You want I should try it again, I didn't hear that".
8) Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already"
9) "Microsoft Word" would be renamed "Microsoft Kibbitz".
10) When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "Oy!!!"
11) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schluffy" (to sleep, for non-Yiddish speaking people).
12) Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
13) Having Dr. Watson will make your "motherboard" proud.
14) "Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
15) Headquarters moved from Seattle to Jerusalem. (Overpriced coffee is replaced by "kugel" as the company snack.)
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Perfect Man / Perfect Woman
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.  After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.  Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.  Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.  There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.  Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.  Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.  Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect coupleand Santa Claus had an accident.  Only one of them survived the accident.  Who was the survivor?  The perfect woman survived.  She's the only one who really existed in the first place.  Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.  So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving.  This explains why there was a car accident.
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Wisdom Teeth
One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."  "That's still too expensive," the man says. "Okay," says the dentist.  "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head.  "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"
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Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...

SALES:
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture".  You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY:
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

MARKETING:
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

HUMAN RESOURCES:
Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter!

ENGINEERING:
One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...

ACCOUNTING:
The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics.  You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/ DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/ "TEAM LEADS":
Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager".  

SENIOR MANAGEMENT:
Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life.  Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager".

CUSTOMER SERVICE:
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

CONSULTANT:
666.
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "watch out for the wall!"
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Women Drivers!!!!!
I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving  to work this morning, on I-95, I look over to my left and there's this woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!  I look away for a couple seconds and when I look back she's halfway over in my lane.  Scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee.
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A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a "G.E." logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." "Well then, could you fix the fridge door?  It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door?  Does it look like I have "Westinghouse" written on my forehead? I don't think so." "Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "I'm not a  carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have "Ace Hardware" written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"  So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.  As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already  fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.  As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey,  how'd this all get fixed?"  She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.  He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either kiss him or bake him a cake." He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" To which she replied, "Hellooooooo....  Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?  I don't think so."
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25 SHORTEST BOOKS EVER
25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS-by O. J. Simpson
24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE-by Ellen DeGeneres
22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
19. THE WILD YEARS-by Al Gore
18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
12. EASY UNIX
11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE
10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER-by Art Garfunkel
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES-by the EPA
3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES by Bill Clinton
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THE BUTLER
A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the rest of the night off.  She said they would return home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening. The wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room.  She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.  She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey,  "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress."  This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair.  "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt."  Again, Jervis silently obeyed.  "Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties."   Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing deeply, the tension mounting between them. She looked at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"
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Stumpy Grider and his Wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said "Ya knowMahtha, Ah'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." An every year Martha would say, "Ah know, Stumpy, but tha aihplane ride costs ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs".  So Stumpy says "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies, "Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." So the pilot overhears them and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars." They agree and up they go...the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard; he does it one more time, still nothing...so he lands.He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to make you hollar out, but you didn't!" And Stumpy replies, "Well, Ah was gonna say something when Mahtha fellout...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!"
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A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and ask if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.  She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years." God replies, "I didn't recognize you."
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Memo from a Blond Engineer:

I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me. At any rate, I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
and new days:
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
Sundak
So we're readk to go. ________________________________________________________________________

SHE WAS SO BLONDE

she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate".

she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".

she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

she sat on the TV and watched the couch.

she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

she tried to drown a fish.

she thought a quarterback was a refund.

she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.

they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".

she tripped over a cordless phone.

she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"...she put "Sagittarius".

she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.

she studied for a blood test - and failed.

she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

she sold the car for gas money.

when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.

when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around her home, she moved.

she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport left" she turned around

and went home.

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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."  The man below says:  "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60  degrees W. longitude."  "You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.  "I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"  "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."  The man below says "You must be a manager."  "I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"  "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

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1.How does an American help heal the Russian economy?

-As does an injection into an artificial limb.

2.For many years the Americans have been training an agent to work in Russia. His legend was superbly elaborated. Finally he was dropped off from a plane into the Russian territory dressed in a quilted jacket, felt high boots and a cap with ear-flaps. He stepped out of the woods came to the nearest log cabin and asked the old woman who lived there for a drink. 

-Are you a spy dearly, the lady asked.

-Where did you get that from, old lady.

-Well, we never saw black men in these parts before.

3.An American has offered some caviar to Rabinowich.

-O, my goodness, said Rabinowich. How far are you dropped behind us! We ate this 50 years ago.

4.Carter and Brejenev came out from the adjacent doors and got together.

-Finally we are completely disarmed, said Carter.

-Yes. Now we can trust each other, replayed Brejenev.

-Hey you! Stop talking and go back to your cells, shouted a Chinese warder.

5.News.

1. An American aircraft carrier crashed and sunk in the Atlantic ocean. None of our men were hurt.

2. Yesterday our country was perfidiously attacked by China.  Battle is in progress near Beijing.

6. After successful landing of American spacecraft with astronauts on the Moon, the Central Committee of the Communist Party had extraordinary meeting, then they called russian cosmonauts.

- We decided that you will depart tomorrow with a mission to land on the Sun.

- But we... We will burn.

- Do you think we all are idiots? You will fly at night

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I took some clients out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water and tableware. He too sported a spoon in his breast-pocket. I looked around the room, all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc.  had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order I just had to ask,  "Why the spoons?"  "Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil at a frequency of about 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time.  Nearly 1.5 extra man hours per shift ..." Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket.  "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask."  "No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders. As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread

protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it. Yet I had to scan the room, and sure enough there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point ... so before he could leave, I had to ask. "Excuse me, but ... uh ... why, or what ... about that string?"  "Oh yeah," he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room, too."  "How's that?"  "You see, by tying a string to the end of our ... eh ... selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"  "Oh, that makes sense," I said, thinking through the process. "Hey, wait a minute ... if the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"  "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use my spoon."

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You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.

8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to netscape before you landscape.

11.  Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL"

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.  "Hurry!" she said to her lover, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him, and then she dusted him with talcum powder until he was completely white all over.  "Don't move until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."  "What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue."  she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom, and I liked the idea so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the "statue."  Later that night they went to sleep. Around  two in  the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here." he said to the 'statue'. "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for threedays and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got better idea... let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman.  "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

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You know you work in the 90's if...

You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

You learn about your layoff on CNN.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.

It's dark when you drive to and from work.

Communication is something your group is having problems with.

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.

You're already late on the assignment you just got.

You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."

Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January.

Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube.

You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

You read this entire list and understood it.

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Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary's hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the first couple's tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window.  "Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks.  They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves. As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary.  "You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him," he says smugly... Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. Then she replies, "Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President."

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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.  When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."  He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. The big day comes, and the bride and groom exchange their vows. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

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A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night.  Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

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WHY I'M TIRED

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 Million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.  Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.  That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

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According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.  - Jay Leno

There's  a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting  that any men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?  -Jay Leno

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.  - Robin Williams

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"  - Dave Barry

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?  - Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."  - Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.  - Phyllis Diller

The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to Uzi.  - Conan O'Brien

AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen  by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote."  - Jay Leno

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NOW THAT'S PROOF

A little old lady moves to a new town and goes to her local grocery store to buy some cat food. She picks up 3 cans and takes them to the check-out counter. The girl at the cash register says, "I'm sorry but we can't sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. Lots of older people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the food for a real cat." The little old lady doesn't like it, but she goes home and brings her cat back to the store. They sell her the cat food. The next day she goes in to buy 3 cans of dog food. Again the cashier demands proof that she has a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food. She angrily goes home to get her dog. When she brings him back, she gets her dog food.  The next day she comes into the store carrying a box with a hole in the lid. When she asks the cashier to stick her finger in the hole, the cashier refuses. "No, you might have a snake in there!"  The old lady insists, telling her that there's nothing alive in the box. So the cashier puts her finger in the box and feels something odd. She pulls her finger out and says, "Eww, that smells like dung!"  The little old lady says, "It is. Now can I buy 3 rolls of toilet paper?"

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Remember When ...

A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show of note

A window was something you hated to clean...

And ram was the cousin of a goat....

Meg was the name of my girlfriend and gig was a job for the nights now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age

A CD was a bank account

And if you had a 3 ―" floppy you hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage not something you did to a file

And if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire

Hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife

Paste you did with glue

A web was a spider's home

And a virus was the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head

I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead

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An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote:    "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote:  "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

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The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside  the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna.  The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, "Only a little while." The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your  time?" The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senior." The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You  should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product,  processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise." The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senior, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-20 years." "But what then, senior?" The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."  "Millions, senior?  Then what?" The American said, "Then you would retire.  Move to a small coastal  fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

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13 Signs That You Have Had Too Much of the 90's

1.) You tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2.) You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

3.) You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

4.) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

5.) You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you  back "What's for dinner?"

6.) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7.) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

8.) You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

9.) Your daughter just bought a C.D. of all the records your college roommate used to play.

10.) You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

11.) You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.

12.) Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail Inbox, asking you to send her JPEG files of your newborn so he can create a screen saver.

13.) You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone IS home.

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"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life." "But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." Protested his nephew.  "I know," replied the uncle.

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Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. The first day they go fishing they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?" The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

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It's sad but true. There is only a finite amount of intelligence on the planet and as the population increases the amount of intelligence per person decreases.

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.  The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."  The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door.  But that's a good point.  The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

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Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time.  That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.  Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'.

Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

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Overheard in a computer shop:

Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."

Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."

Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

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I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

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Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for me?"

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Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"

Tech Support: "Yeah."

Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"

Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

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Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."

Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons - I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to"

Customer [interrupts]: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"

Customer: [click]

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Customer: "My computer crashed!"

Tech Support: "It crashed?"

Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."

Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."

Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."

Tech Support: "Huh?"

Customer: "I crashed my game.  That's what I said before.  I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."

Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"

Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

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Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems: the bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry.  It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half.  I walked her through the basics, then went over and printed out a test sheet.  It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the printer.  As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me. I told her to wait until the paper came out on its own. Problem solved.

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I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow.  All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.  Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges.  I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers.  Nothing worked.  I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.  After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

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And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse.  She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress.  She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.

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For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other.  A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room.  I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards.  She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the tutor over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen.  The tutor tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.  I typed, "Leave me alone!"  They both jumped back as this appeared on their screen.  "What the..." the tutor said.  I typed, "I said leave me alone!"  The kid got real upset.  "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!"  It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud.  The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!"  Etc.

Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer, and fell out of my chair laughing.  After they had realized what  had done, they both turned beet red.  Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

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This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in.  It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters.

Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."

Customer: "Ooh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

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Email from a friend:

"CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"

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My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon.  He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.  After about 15 minutes he  noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time!  I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

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A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde "stand in the circle and DON'T MOVE!". He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said "Oh you think that's funny. Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.  He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing.  The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny ?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "When you weren't looking I stepped outside the circle 4 times."

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There are 9 beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman.

2 French men and 1 French woman.

2 German men and 1 German woman.

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman.

2 English men and 1 English woman.

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman.

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman.

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman.

2 American men and 1 American woman.

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a  menage-a-trois.

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The 2 Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look  at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.

The 2 Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied because at least the English are not getting any.

The 2 American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps on bitching about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion  and treated her much nicer than they do, and how her relationship with  her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.

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Ralph was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.  He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager  "How much is that new Barbie in the window?" The Manager replied, "Which one?  We have Barbie goes to the gym for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie goes shopping for $19.95, Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Nightclub for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $375.00."  "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?!?" Ralph asked VERY surprised. "Divorced Barbie," replied the manager, "comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

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THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

  AGE  DRINK

    17  Beer

    25  Bourbon

    35  Vodka

    48  Double Vodka

    66  Maalox

  AGE  SEDUCTION LINE

    17  "My parents are away for the weekend"

    25  "My girlfriend is away for the weekend"

    35  "My fiancé is away for the weekend"

    48  "My wife is away for the weekend"

    66  "My second wife is dead"

  AGE  FAVORITE SPORT

    17  Sex

    25  Sex

    35  Sex

    48  Sex

    66  Napping

  AGE  DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

    17  "Tongue"

    25  "Breakfast"

    35  "She didn't set back my therapy"

    48  "I didn't have to meet her kids"

    66  "Got home alive"

  AGE  FAVORITE FANTASY

    17  Getting to third

    25  Airplane sex

    35  Menage a trois

    48  Taking the company public

    66  Swiss maid/Love slave

  AGE  WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

    17  25

    25  35

    35  48

    48  66

    66  17

  AGE  IDEAL DATE

    17  Triple Steven King feature at the Drive-in

    25  "Split the check before we go back to my place"

    35  "Just come over"

    48  "Just come over and cook"

    66  Sex in the company jet on the way to Las Vegas

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

  AGE  DRINK

    17  Wine Coolers

    25  White wine

    35  Red wine

    48  Dom Perignon

    66  Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

  AGE  EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

    17  "Need to wash my hair"

    25  "Need to wash and condition my hair"

    35  "Need to color my hair"

    48  "Need to have Francois color my hair"

    66  "Need to have Francois color my wig"

  AGE  FAVORITE SPORT

    17  Shopping

    25  Shopping

    35  Shopping

    48  Shopping

    66  Shopping

  AGE  DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

    17  "Burger King"

    25  "Free meal"

    35  "A diamond"

    48  "A bigger diamond"

    66  "Home Alone"

  AGE  FAVORITE FANTASY

    17  Tall, dark and handsome

    25  Tall, dark and handsome with money

    35  Tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain

    48  A man with hair

    66  A man

  AGE  WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

    17  17

    25  25

    35  35

    48  48

    66  66

  AGE  IDEAL DATE

    17  He offers to pay

    25  He pays

    35  He cooks breakfast the next morning

    48  He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids

    66  He can chew breakfast

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THE IMAGES OF MOTHER:

4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!

8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot!  A whole lot!

12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.

14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that either.

16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother, She's hopelessly old-fashioned.

18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman, She's way out of date!

25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it.

35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.

45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?

65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom once more

"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor.  "I haven't got a wife," replied the young man.  "Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."  "I don't have a sweetheart, either."  "Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."

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A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her will and made her final arraignments. As part of these arraignments she met with her rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted, etc. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindales. "Bloomindales!" the rabbi said. "Why Bloomindales?" "That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."

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What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

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"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market." "Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

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The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? Roman war chariots first made the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels and wagons. Since the chariots were made for, or by Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder which horse's rear came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war-horses. And now, the twist to the story... There's an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket  boosters, or SRBs. Thiokol makes the SRBs at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.  The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses behinds.  So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined by the width of a Horse's ass!

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When I was in junior-high, all I wanted was a girl with great figure. In high school, I dated a girl with great figure, but there was no passion. So, I decided I needed a  passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency and she cried all the time. So, I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So, I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So, I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. But, she was so ambitious that she soon divorced me and took everything I owned. Now, all I want is a girl with great figure!

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A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

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RANDOM THOUGHTS

Spotted on the back of a Tee shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: "If you see me running, try to keep up."

You have the right to remain silent anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"?

Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is Naive spelled backwards? Think about it.....

The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed.

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THE PERFECT MAN

The perfect man is gentle

Never cruel or mean

He has a beautiful smile

And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children

And will raise them by your side

He will be a good father

As well as a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking

Cleaning and vacuuming too

He'll do anything in his power

To convey his feelings of love on you.

The perfect man is sweet

Writing poetry from your name

He's a best friend to your mother

And kisses away your pain.

He never has made you cry

Or hurt you In any way

Oh, screw this stupid poem

The perfect man is gay.

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A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular attrition of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.  Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. This is why you always feel smarter after a few beers!

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A language instructor was explaining to her class that Spanish nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.  Things like "chalk" or "pencil," she described, would have a gender association.  For example:  House is feminine - "la" casa.  In English, of course, common nouns generally are of neutral gender. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher said that depending on which Spanish you used, that of Spain or Latin American Spanish, it could be either one:  ordenador or computadora. But she thought it would be good to decide on one of them to use in class, so she divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men.  Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender (la computadora) because:

1.  No one but their creator understands their internal logic

2.  The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3.  Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4.  As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The group of women, however, concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender (el ordenador) because:

1.  In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2.  They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3.  They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4.  As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?  Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?  It's just stale bread to begin with?

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philips Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack?  What is a "whack"?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners  depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you that a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

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Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it.  I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.  Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries.  "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large and mass and said "What's that one?" Ah," said God.  "That's Pennsylvania, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and mountains.  The people from Pennsylvania are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world.  They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God?  You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loudmouths I'm putting next to them in New Jersey."

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Two men were driving down the road when they pass a sign, "St. Mary's convent and prostitution".  One man says, "I can't believe I read that sign correctly?"  But sure enough, down the road, another sign, "2 miles to St. Mary's convent and prostitution."  Well  neither man can resist, so they stop at St. Mary's.  They ring the door and a nun in full habit answers. "Can I help you?" "Yes, Sister.  We read your sign and would like to use your services." "Right this way, through this door, Gentlemen. " Inside is another Sister behind a cash register.  "Sister, we'd like to buy your services." "Certainly!  That will be $50 a piece." So the men pay the money and go through a large self locking heavy  door, as indicated by the Sister. They find themselves back outside, standing  next to another sign. This one reads;  "Thank you.  You have just been screwed by the sisters of St. Mary's. Have a good day!"

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It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blond got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.  She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snowdrift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snowplow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.  After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat Surprised when the Snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Kmart next.

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One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.  She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

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Woman's Quote of the Day:

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

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Questions of Life:

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they get Teflon to stick to the pan?

If you were driving the speed of light and turn on your headlights, what happens?

Most packages say open here, what is the protocol if it says open somewhere else?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is a brassiere singular and panties plural?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship it is called cargo?

You know the indestructible black box that is used in airplanes, why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

If a fire fighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

If con is opposite of pro, is Congress opposite of progress?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

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HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY & DRIVE OTHERS CRAZY . . .

Page yourself over the intercom-don't disguise your voice.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks, once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Send an email to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing, for example-'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom'.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Insist your email address be zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com

mailto:zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com .

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Suggest the Coke machine be filled with beer.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dance.

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Send an email message that advertises free pizza, doughnuts, etc. in the breakroom.

When driving colleauges around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep them tuned up.

Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist that's the way you like it.

Don't use any punctuation

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Ask people what sex they are.

At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.

Stomp on plastic ketchup packets.

TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

next paragraph only in lower case.

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A prayer for the stressed:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.  And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the butt that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work....

12% on Monday

23% on Tuesday

40% on Wednesday

20% on Thursday

5% on Fridays

And help me to remember.....

When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger !

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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. Being a devoted husband he protested, but she said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain; and decided to go to the party after all. In as much as her husband didn't know what costume she'd be wearing, she thought she'd have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she wasn't around. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could, getting a little kiss here and a warm squeeze there. His wife went up to him and being rather seductive herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to this new babe who had just arrived.  She let him do whatever he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, and so off they went! Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked how the evening had been? He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know, I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "You know, I didn't dance even one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you...from what I heard, the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

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Makes You Wonder  . . .

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

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"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he ?"

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Beer Prayer

---

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink.

Thy will be drunk,

(I will be drunk),

At home as in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer, The bitter and The lager.

Forever and ever,

Barmen

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Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.  The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect was telling a lie.  Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

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Actual quotes from (actual) Texas politicians:

* "I am filled with humidity."  - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

* "If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin' rights on that man's head."  - Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing President George Bush's policies

* "If it's dangerous to talk to yourself, it's probably even dicier to listen..."  - Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower

* "I move we recess to go outside and throw up."  - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing

* "This is a real competitive business."  - A gas station owner, when asked to explain the rapid rise in gasoline prices when Kuwait was invaded.

* "It's the sediment of the House that we adjourn."  - Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton

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COMPLAINTS OF MODERN DAY VAMPIRES

Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.

Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.

Three Words: Daylight Savings Time

Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"

After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.

No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.

No warm blood for miles around DC.

Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.

No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.

Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."

Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.

Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.

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Signs of the Times

In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."

On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."

On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."

On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."

On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

On a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"

In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

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In the sprit of Monday feel free to use these phrases at work today .........

Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

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THE BOARD OF HEALTH HAS PROPOSED THAT WARNING SIGNS BE PLACED ON LIQUOR BOTTLES TO WARN DRINKERS ABOUT THE HAZARDS OF OVER-INDULGENCE.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species or name you can't remember).

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome, and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you are invisible.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

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Funny translations-

1. Coors put its slogan "Turn it loose" in Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".

2.. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".

3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick" curling iron into German only to find that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for a manure stick.

4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, since most people cannot read, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside.

5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6. An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into Chinese as "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave".

8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate".

9. The Coco-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-hou-ke-la" meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "Female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then  researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth".

10. When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".

________________________________________________________________________

Why do most Liberal Arts students have a minor in communications?

So they can learn the proper way to say, 'Would you like fries with that?'

________________________________________________________________________

A man is going down the road, and gets pulled over by a highway patrolman. When he gets  up to the car, he tells him that he was speeding. The man is shocked, but not startled by being pulled over because he is always speeding. While  the highway patrolman is standing there, he sees  that the man has 9 huge knives in the back seat. He asks him what they are for, and he tells him that they are for his act, and he is a juggler. The patrolman does not believe him, and tells him to prove it. So he gets out of the car, and starts to juggle the knives. At the same time, 2  men are driving by and witness the two on the side  of the road. One of the men looks to the other man and says, 'Man, I sure am glad I quit drinking, those sobriety tests these days are rough!'

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There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-hour. Then, this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.  The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking.  Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a  cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener. I left  home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my  poison ..."

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When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

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After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land. They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind. In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying "Much love, Mom." Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner. In few minutes, this announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse: "Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?"

________________________________________________________________________

Things for your consideration .......

Why does everyone want to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to die?

It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten.  They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

Take comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.

________________________________________________________________________

Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the toothbrush.  Researchers knew the purpose of the device, wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location. After a very long and exasperating study the researchers came to their conclusion as to the origin of the toothbrush.  It was decided that the brush was invented in Maine. Intrigued with the discovery, the researchers were asked by the media how they came to the conclusion.  They all agree it was simple deduction, "if it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush."

________________________________________________________________________

Nostalgia:  The good old days multiplied by a bad memory.

Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.

Justify my text?  I'm sorry but it has no excuse.

Programming is an art form that fights back.

________________________________________________________________________

The CIA

---

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.  These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained.  "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.  "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room.  All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."  "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.  "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.  This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.  She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks!  I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

________________________________________________________________________

Actual quotes from (actual) Texas politicians:

* "Let's do this in one foul sweep."  - Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton

* "This is unparalyzed in the state's history."  - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

* "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session."  - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

* "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."  - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

* "There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind."  - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

* "Which one is that?"  "I just voted the way my wife told me to; she knew what it was."  - Texas gubernatorial candidate Clayton Williams, when asked how he had voted on the ONLY proposition on the Texas ballot

________________________________________________________________________

Sign in a gas station: Coke - 49 cents.  Two for a dollar.

________________________________________________________________________

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.  She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.  When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.  So I signed the credit card in front of her.  She  carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt.  As luck would have it, they matched.

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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put.  He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all about?" Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"

________________________________________________________________________

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.

----------------------------------

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

------------------------------

FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG

------------------------------

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

-------------------------------------

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.

-----------------------------------

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

----------------------------

AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

------------------------------

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

------------------------------

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

------------------------------

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

------------------------------

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

--------------------------------

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000

---------------------------------

STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15

---------------------------------

SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents

-----------------------------------

FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

-----------------------------------

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

----------------------------------

FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

-----------------------------------

NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBIE

-------------------------------------

BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

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SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

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HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

----------------------------------------

GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL. HOLDS 2 ― BOTTLES OF BEER.

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HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

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GEORGIA PEACHES. CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

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NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE. SLIGHTLY STAINED

-----------------------------------------

FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.

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AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100

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TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

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EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.

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OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

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JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER. $300.

--------------------------------------------

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

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ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

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GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.

----------------------------------

OPEN HOUSE. BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

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KELLOGG'S POT FARTS - $1.99 box

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FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.

---------------------------------------

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.  Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

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Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends.  You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."   And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

________________________________________________________________________

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

________________________________________________________________________

How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.

I will gladly share my experience and advice,

for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me,

they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

________________________________________________________________________

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be  Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G. he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

________________________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

--

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

--

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.  If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

--

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this isn't an issue.

--

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

--

Because I'm a man, when one of our major appliances quits working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

--

Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger-I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?

--

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

--

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it.  And don't forget to pick up something for my mommy, too!

--

Because I'm a man, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer, and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another.  I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard.  Like, what's the connection?

--

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

--

Because I'm a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave.  Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

--

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine  With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.  Can we just go now?

--

Because I'm a man and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework.  You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes.  I'll do the rest.

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Handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

________________________________________________________________________

If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.

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A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."

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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...

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We wouldn't tell you how to live But we do suggest that you Never ........

Argue with a fool...people may not be able to tell you apart.

Do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Get into a fight with an ugly person. They have nothing to lose.

Make the same mistake twice... There are so many new ones to make!

Play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Question your spouse's judgment...look whom they married.

________________________________________________________________________

Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune-tellers take economists seriously.

________________________________________________________________________

Used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned. Yeah, they put the squeeze on me, said I couldn't concentrate. You know, same old boring rind over and over again.

________________________________________________________________________

This Man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

A room-temperature IQ.

A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus

A prime candidate for natural deselection.

Bright as Alaska in December.

Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

Takes him and hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

Men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

________________________________________________________________________

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits, and then complain that he's not the man she married?

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

Marriage is one long conversation, checkered by disputes.

No human being believes that any other human being has a right to be in bed when he himself is up.

If you have a job without aggravations, you don't have a job.

Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother.

Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.

Many a women who thinks she has purchased a dress for the ridiculous price has actually bought it for an absurd figure.

________________________________________________________________________

One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pocket of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that ever good!" She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?"  Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him.  He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!" Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet mama! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in that suit!"

________________________________________________________________________

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get  a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he  wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against  the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000.  And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".

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A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?," says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing."  The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast  I'm gonna say 'hell' and you say 'ass', o.k.?" "O.k." the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.  The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw, hell mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.  She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios"

________________________________________________________________________

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. (like groovy, man)

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass.

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Bumper stickers seen this weekend .....

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me

I have the body of a god........Buddha

Honk if anything falls off

He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit

This isn't my idea of a good time

It's been lovely, but I have to scream now

Uniquely maladjusted, but fun

This bumper sticker exploits illiterates

Oh, evolve!

Gone crazy be back shortly

If you're not outraged you're not paying attention

________________________________________________________________________

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of  them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $100 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Dept where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife's face goes blank. He says "Honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a  while." The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode and the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

- - - - - - - -

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?"  The  barber looks around the shop  and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.  A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours."  The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop, and says,  "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."  In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill where did he go when he left here?"  Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

________________________________________________________________________

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.

b. Football.

c. How fat you are.

d. How much prettier she is than you.

e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, right.

b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c. That depends on what you mean by love.

d. Does it matter?

e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?

b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.

c. A little extra weight looks good on you.

d. I've seen fatter.

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality

b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner

c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age

d. Define pretty

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not, don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: ( makes audible groan )

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: Dang.

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A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"  "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.  "No, you idiot!" the man shouted.  "This is her husband!"

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Yesterday, a scientist from the USDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, required frequent visits to the bathroom, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.  No further testing is planned.

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Sol lies on his death bed, surrounded by his family: Ruth, his weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is ugly, short, fat and balding.  "Ruth," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..." Ruth gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."  The man then dies, happy. Ruth mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

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Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."  "Moishe Plotnik?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.  The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?"  The old man answers, "Is name of owner." The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"  "Me, is right here," replies the old man.  "You? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"  "Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Moishe Plotnik.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sem Ting.' "

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God Created Woman. And She was Good. And she had two arms, two legs and three breasts. And God asked woman what she would like to have changed about herself. And she asked for her middle breast to be removed. And it was good. She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob. And God created Man.

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A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.  "What's up?" he says.  "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.  He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"  The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.  "You rotten bastard, "says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids."

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A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was  different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over. But there was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw  the shows each week and began to  understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the  table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was  furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the  parrot.  They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word.  This went on for a day and then another. On the third day, the parrot  could not hold back: "OK, I give up.  Where's the boat?"

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A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.  The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.  As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of  the situation hit him. "What in the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.  "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop.  I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"  "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

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Letter from redneck mom to redneck son

Dear Redneck Son;

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle.  The baby looks just like your brother...Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

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President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today and when he visited a class in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word,  "Tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident."  A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."  "I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call GREAT LOSS."  The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"  Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."  "Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"  "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."

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David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, very rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and became even more rude. Finally, in a  moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was quiet - not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: May I ask what the chicken did?"

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How do men exercise at the beach?

By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a bikini.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?

Bonds mature.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?

Three. One to hold the pan and two to show off and shake the stove.

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?

Dating children.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?

At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

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YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF ...

... choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.

... you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.

... the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.

... you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.

... you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

... you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.

... you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

... you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.

... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

... you know what http:// stands for.

... you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.

... you see a good design and still have to change it.

... you window shop at Radio Shack.

... your laptop computer costs more than your car.

... your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.

... you've already calculated how much you make per second.

... you've tried to repair a $5 radio.

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A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was still a head."

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A mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risqué." "Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!" "Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"

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Famous Quotes about Drinking

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk.  That will teach you to keep  your mouth shut.  - Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.  - Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer.  - Plato

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.  - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.  - His reply

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.  - Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.  - Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.  - Deep Thought, Jack Handy

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.  - Humphrey Bogart

I drink to make other people interesting.  - George Jean Nathan

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.  - For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.  - Dean Martin

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.  - Homer Simpson

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What not to say to the nice policeman:

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

Bad cop! No doughnut!

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

So, uh, you on the take or what?

Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

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Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Hope that it is not your sole purpose in life to simply serve as a warning to others.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

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Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?  If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.  "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half." You're never 36 and a half ....you're four and a half going on 5. You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. Eventually. Then the great day of your life; you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. You BECOME 21....Yes!! Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. What's wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30. Then you're PUSHING 40....stay over there. You REACH 50. You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40; you REACH 50; then you MAKE IT to 60. By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70. After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday... You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one." And it doesn't end there.... Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."

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"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.  "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"  "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."  The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"  "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."  Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"  "Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial." Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find  out are what grounds you have."  'Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds.'  "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable  exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"  "Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation. "

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A cop pulls up two drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"  "I'm Paddy O' Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

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How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?

She fell out of the tree.

How did the blonde die drinking milk?

The cow stepped on her.

How did the blonde burn her nose?

Bobbing for French fries.

What do you see when you look into a blondes eyes?

The back of her head.

What is it when a blonde blows into another blondes ear?

Data transfer

Why did the blonde ask her friends to save burned-out light bulbs?

She needed them for the darkroom she was building.

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My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

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BEST BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN THIS WEEKEND

Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

Illiterate? Write For Help

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand basket?

It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over  [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]

Ax Me About Ebonics

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!

Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That

Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

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TELL ME WHAT IT IS ...

Arnold Schwartzenegger has a big one,

Michael J. Fox has a small one,

Madonna doesn't have one,

The Pope has one but doesn't use it,

Clinton uses his all the time,

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,

Liberace didn't use his with women,

Jerry Seinfeld is very proud of his,

We never saw Lucy use Desi's

What is it? .......

....... A last name

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Statistics show that American workers work the first three hours of every day just to pay their taxes. That must be why we can't get anything done in the morning. We're government workers!

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Here is the LOST CHAPTER IN GENESIS....

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and  passion whenever you need it. Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history....

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A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!" POOF! A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where only beautiful women reside." POOF!  Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF! He's back in his government office.

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GREETING CARD VERSES THAT DIDN"T QUITE MAKE IT

My tire was thumping....

thought it was flat....

when I looked at the tire....

I noticed your cat... Sorry

You had your bladder removed

and you're on the mends....

here's a bouquet of flowers

and a box of Depends

Heard your wife left you...

How upset you must be...

But don't fret about it ....

She moved in with me

You totaled your car...

and can't remember why...

could it have been...

that case of Bud Dry?

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You might be a high-tech redneck if...

Your e-mail address ends in "@over.yonder.com."

Your laptop has a sticker that says, "Protected by Smith and Wesson."

You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.

You wire your network with jumper cables.

Your wife said either she or the computer had to go, and you still don't miss her.

You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink on.

Three Words: Daisy Duke Screensaver

Your spell checker knows words like, "Y'all", "Yonder", and "Reckon."

Your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5" disk drive.

Smith & Wesson...the original Point-N-Click interface.

When you order your new pick-up truck with a gun rack and PCMCIA sockets.

You only buy from GateWay, 'cause the cow-colored boxes are a hoot.

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THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:

He went into his father's business.

He lived at home until he was 33.

He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:

He never got married.

He was always telling stories.

He loved green pastures.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:

His first name was Jesus.

He was bilingual.

He was always being harassed by the authorities.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:

He talked with his hands.

He had wine with every meal.

He worked in the building trades.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:

He called everybody "brother".

He liked Gospel.

He couldn't get a fair trial.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN:

He never cut his hair.

He walked around barefoot.

He started a new religion.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN:

He had to feed a crowd, at a moments notice, when there was no food.

He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.

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As seen on Bumper Sticker

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

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Things to go Hmmmm ... about:

It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins.

Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer.

Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.

Common Sense Isn't.

Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She starts her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up." After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" "No, ma'am," he says, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

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New things you learn when you have children:

(Better known as the don't try this at home department (go to the neighbors house and use their kids))

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

No matter how much Jello you put in a bath tub you still can't walk on water.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

It will however make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

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Top 10 Signs Your Not In College Anymore

10. Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.

9.  College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress-up.

8.  The 4 food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen and cereal.

7.  Three Words: School Loan Payments.

6.  Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'.

5.  Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.

4.  You empathize with the characters from 'Friends'.

3.  Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.

2.  You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

1.  At 6 am you're waking up instead of going to bed.

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An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "How did you know?" he asks. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

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CHINESE PROVERBS

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches rear end should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

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Famous last words:

Of course it's sterile.

That should be at least enough gas to make it across Nevada.

It's so tame you can put your head in its mouth

It should be ok to swim in.

It's supposed to make that noise.

It doesn't *look* like the bridge is out.

The boss won't mind.

Jason won't find us in this closet.

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MORE TWISTED GREETING CARDS

I must express my gratitude

  for such a lovely gift.

Your thoughtfulness and taste is matched

  only by your thrift.

It's clear that you spared all expense,

  if you catch my drift.

Remove the anti-theft device

  when you again shoplift.

It's Christmas time, and once again,

  the family's gathered 'round.

Uncles, aunts, and cousins come

  to raise a joyful sound.

All that is, except for you,

  whom we can only send this mail.

But we'll save your gifts for fifty years

  till you get out of jail.

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One night, a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grammy. Good-bye Grampa." The father thought this was strange, but soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or so later, the father again overheard his son's prayers, "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Good-bye Grammy." The next day, the Grandmother died. The father began to worry about the situation. Two weeks later, the father again heard his son praying, "God bless Mommy. Good-bye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. The next morning, without  saying anything, he got up early and went to work. He stayed in his office all day. Finally, after midnight, he went home. He was still alive! He crawled into bed with his wife and apologized. "I'm sorry honey, I had a really bad day." "You had a bad day?" his wife yelled. "The mailman dropped dead on the porch this morning!"

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A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to use the bathroom in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms. He searched in vain for the rest rooms, but instead all he found was a beautiful fountain with foliage. Nobody was watching, so he decided to take a go right there. When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun. He searched in the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked. "Miss it?" she said, "You were staring in it!"

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Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son.  It's time to go to school!" "But why, Mom?  I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!" "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school.  Come on now and get ready." "Give me two reasons why I should go to school." "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

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A Boston preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great enthusiasm he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater enthusiasm he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and  announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

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Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him." So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the  shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?" The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!" The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, Take your shovel and hit my hand."

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Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming." "Yes I do!"  "Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down." "Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?" "Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."  "Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him." "Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" "Well, then I pick up some of the dung that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage." "Well, what if there ain't no dung in the bottom of the cage? what you gonna do then?"  "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some dung on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."

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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A  parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

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Employee Evaluation:

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without

3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended

6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be

11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be

12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

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An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

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A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off. The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away. The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."

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There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"

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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

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A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out of the window and yells, "PIG!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "DOG!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

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When does a person decide to become an engineer?

When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

What do engineers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

How can you tell an extroverted engineer?

When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Why did the engineers cross the road?

Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

How do you drive an engineer completely insane?

Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

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An English man, a Scots man and an Irish man were trying to get in to see the Olympics without tickets. So they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying. The English man walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and picked it up. He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter. England. Pole throwing." The guards let him in without hesitation.  While walking, the Scots man sees a manhole. He picks up the cover, carries it under his arm to the entrance and says, "McGregor. Scotland. Discus throwing. The guards let him in also. The Irish man is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside. He walks around the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, walks to the entrance and says, "Murphy. Ireland. Fencing."

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Some nights I stay up wondering if illiterate people get the full affect of Alphabet soup

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The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.  "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?" "Eleven," she replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?". "Today and tomorrow." replied the blonde. He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?", asked the sheriff. The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

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Once upon a time there was a non conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and dropped a load on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings! Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by, and heard the chirping. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:

Everyone who dumps on you is not necessarily your enemy.

Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.

And if you're warm and happy in a pile of dung,

you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

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A Doctor, a Nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have all died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter speaks with them and asks what good each has done in their life. Doctor: "I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for, and healing thousands of poor people." St. Peter: "That's great. Go ahead in to Heaven. And what about you, dear?" Nurse: "I've supported the good Doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult." St. Peter: "Wonderful. Please proceed in with the Doctor. And what about you?" Health Maintenance Organization Director: "I was the president of a very large HMO and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country." St. Peter: "Oh, I see. Please go in...but you can only stay two nights!"

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Once upon a time there was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheepherder over. "That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said. "Well thank you.", said the herder. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman. "Okay.", replied the herder. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman. "Sure.", said the sheepherder. So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382". "Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you". "What is it?", queried the woman. "If I can guess the real color of your hair... can I have my dog back?"

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If you watch very closely the fingers never leave the hand

USA Today has come out with a new survey:

Apparently three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I'll say nothing.

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"EVERYTHING COMES IN THREES"

Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three "ones" come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern.

"YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU (When you die)"

Well....., that depends on what it is. If it's your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it with you. In fact, not only can you take it with you, you can probably put some things in your pockets.

"YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY"

Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you've just learned it doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew it, Columbus is a good example of this.

"THE SKY'S THE LIMIT"

Well, how can the sky be the limit? The sky never ends. What kind of a limit is that?  The earth is the limit. You dig a hole and what do you keep getting? More earth. The earth is the limit.