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In just two days tomorrow
will be yesterday. But I never saw either on the calendar
Always wanted to be a
procrastinator, but never got around to it.
My friend has kleptomania,
but when it gets bad, He takes something for it.
Never be afraid to try
something new, Remember amateurs built the ark - Professionals built the
Titanic.
Love is grand - divorce is
a hundred grand.
Politicians and diapers
have one thing in common, they should both be changed regularly and for the
same reason.
One of life's mysteries -
How can a two pound box of candy make a person gain five pounds.
Time may be a great healer,
but it's also a lousy beautician.
Age doesn't always bring
wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at
forty, it begins to show.
________________________________________________________________________
Bubba and Earl were driving
down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said,
"Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get
busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba,"
Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel
off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the
seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin',
OK?" said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles
under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the
roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No
sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."
________________________________________________________________________
Definition of an engineer -
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't
understand.
________________________________________________________________________
Signs it's your last day at
work ......
You hand a bank teller an
envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?" you realize you just
dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox and gave her your mail.
As a woman comes into the
store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat
ugly old lady. This one's your turn!" Your boss is standing behind you.
And it's his wife.
While your boss is at
lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer.
You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
You return from a week's
vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last
week.
You take a "sick"
day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock
Creek yesterday?"
You wake up hung over. You
have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You're in
jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.
________________________________________________________________________
A man and a women are
involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally
demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of
their cars, the man says, "So you're a woman, that's interesting. I'm a
man. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are
unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and
live together in peace for the rest of our days. The woman replied, "I
agree with you completely." "This must be a sign from God!" The
man continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants
us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the
bottle to the woman, The woman nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks
half the bottle and then hands it back to the man. The man takes the bottle,
immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the woman. The woman
asks, "Aren't you having any?" The man replies, "No. I think
I'll just wait for the police..."
________________________________________________________________________
What happens when a clown
has flatulency?
It smells funny.
________________________________________________________________________
A blonde was driving back
from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size
of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove to the body
shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be
done and that it would cost at least $4,000 to repair. She said that was too
much and asked if there was some other way to fix it. The body man decided to
have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real
hard and they might pop back out." She decided to give it a try before
spending that much money. She drove home and was in the garage with her lips
wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit.
"What are you doing?" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful
that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide. "I'm
blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my
car," explained the first blonde. "Well silly, it's not going to
work," replied her neighbor. "Why not?" asked the first blonde.
"Because you've got to roll up the windows first."
________________________________________________________________________
One nice thing about
egotists: They don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to
feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
The older you get, the
better you realize you were.
I doubt, therefore I might
be.
Age is a very high price to
pay for maturity.
Women like silent men, they
think they're listening.
________________________________________________________________________
A man appears before a
judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and
then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal
about a two-story house?" The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is
**I have a headache** and the other story is **It's that time of the month.**
"
________________________________________________________________________
What do you name a dog with
no legs?
Nothing, he won't come when
you call him anyway!!
________________________________________________________________________
10 Reasons Why You Should
Ask Your Boss For A Raise
10. You take your paycheck
to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.
9. The Red Cross calls and
offers you emergency assistance.
8. Your only charge cards
are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.
7. You work full time and
you still qualify for food stamps.
6. You empty out your piggy
bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.
5. All you can think about
morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.
4. You file your income
taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To
Sender."
3. You set the world record
for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.
2. You pay all your bills,
put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.
1. You get arrested for
taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.
________________________________________________________________________
There was a bear and a
rabbit. Now Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one
day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden
frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone
in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them. The
golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give
them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case. Mr. Bear
immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The
frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a
crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear
was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He
wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and
the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It
appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two
wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his
final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well,
leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had
been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit
revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear
was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!
________________________________________________________________________
25 Signs that Your Getting
OLD
1. You're asleep, but
others worry that you're dead.
2. Your back goes out more
than you do.
3. You quit trying to hold
your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
4. You buy a compass for
the dash of your car/truck.
5. You are proud of your
lawn mower.
6. Your best friend is
dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
7. Your arms are almost too
short to read the newspaper.
8. You sing along with the
elevator music.
9. You would rather go to
work than stay home sick.
10. You enjoy hearing about
other people's operations.
11. You no longer think of
speed limits as a challenge.
12. People call at 9:00
p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
13. You answer a question
with, "Because I said so."
14. You send money to PBS.
15. The end of your tie
doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
16. You take a metal
detector to the beach.
17. You know what the word
"equity" means.
18. You can't remember the
last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
19. Your ears are hairier
than your head.
20. You talk about
"good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
21. You get into a heated
argument about pension plans.
22. You got cable for The
Weather Channel.
23. You can go bowling
without drinking.
24. You have a party and
the neighbors don't even realize it.
25. People send you this
list.
________________________________________________________________________
An Illinois man left the
snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a
business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached
his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the
scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to
type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was
directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away
only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one
look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At
the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got
checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
PS: Sure is hot down here.
________________________________________________________________________
What do you call a fish
without an eye?
A fsh!!!!
________________________________________________________________________
On a plane bound for New
York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class
section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first
class ticket. The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
New York, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer the
flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with
the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the
blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm
not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain
what should he do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know
how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in
the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section
mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the
flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally
convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class
section wasn't going to New York."
________________________________________________________________________
Hard work often pays off
over time, but laziness pays off now.
________________________________________________________________________
A stupid man who answers
every question with "I Don't Know" is truly wise for he is never
wrong.
________________________________________________________________________
Haircuts - The difference
between men and women
Women's version:
================
Woman 2: Oh!
You got a haircut! That's
so cute!
Woman 1: Do you think so?
I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror.
I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 2: Oh Heavens no!
No, it's perfect. I'd love
to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide.
I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 1: Are you serious?
I think your face is adorable. And
you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I
think. I was actually going to do
that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 2: Oh - that's funny!
I would love to have your neck! Anything
to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman 1: Are you kidding?
I know girls that would love to have your shoulders.
Everything drapes so well on you.
I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are?
If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - -
Men's version:
=============
Man 2:
Haircut?
Man 1:
Yeah.
________________________________________________________________________
Can you imagine working for
the following company? It has a
little over 500 employees with the following statistics:
- 29 have been accused of
spousal abuse.
- 7 have been arrested for
fraud
- 19 have been accused of
passing bad checks.
-117 have bankrupted at
least two businesses.
- 3 have been arrested for
assault.
- 71 cannot get credit or
loans due to bad credit histories.
- 14 have been arrested on
drug related charges.
- 8 have been arrested for
shoplifting.
- 21 are current defendants
on various lawsuits.
- In 1998 alone, 84 were
stopped for drunk driving.
Can you guess what
organization this is? Give up? It
is the 535 members of the U.S. Congress that work for me and you.
The same group that cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of laws designed
to keep the rest of us in line.
________________________________________________________________________
There once was a man from
New Haven
Whose daughter resembled a
raven.
He daily would feed
Her only birdseed.
Just think of the money
he's savin'!
________________________________________________________________________
For all of you out there
who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a
classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love!
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for
being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger
who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United flight was
canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced
travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped
his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and
it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll
be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm
sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed.
He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you
have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and
grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention
please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We
have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can
help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks
behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent,
gritted his teeth and swore, F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and
said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that,
too."
________________________________________________________________________
There was a man called him
Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man.
One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim
was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat
comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says "No,
that's ok. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drives off.
The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes
along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No,
that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves.
The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter
comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up
the ladder and get in. Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says
"Are you sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of
me. Finally, the water rises too
high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim
says to God "You told me you would take care of me! What happened?"
God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did
you want?"
________________________________________________________________________
Little Johnny was walking
down the street. He noticed something shiny in the middle of the road.
"Hey look," he said to his friend, "it's a quarter!" His
friend rushed into the middle of the street and got run over by a car. Little
Johnny laughed and laughed "Ha ha, it was only a nickel!"
________________________________________________________________________
If Men TRULY Ran The
World...
1. Breaking up would be a
lot easier. A smack to the rear and a "Nice hustle, you'll get' em next
time" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come
in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be
moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you
saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
5. St. Patrick's Day,
however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every
month.
6. Garbage would take
itself out.
7. Regis and Kathie Lee
would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for
the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
8. The only show opposite
"Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a
Different Camera Angle".
9. Instead of
"beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
10. Tanks would be far
easier to rent.
11. Two words..."Ally
McNaked".
12. When a cop gave you a
ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your
fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All
I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice
one, That's $10.00 off".
13. People would never talk
about how fresh they felt.
14. Daisy Duke shorts would
never go out of style again.
15. Every man would get
four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
16. Telephones would cut
off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17. It would perfectly
legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with
a full tank of gas.
18. Instead of a fancy,
expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam
hand that said "You're #1!".
19. When your girlfriend
really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in
the corner of the screen during a time-out.
20. Nodding and looking at
your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love
you".
21. The funniest guy in the
office would get to be CEO.
22. "Sorry I'm late,
but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for
tardiness.
23. At the end of the
workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide
down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
24. Lifeguards could remove
citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
25. Hallmark would make
"Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
________________________________________________________________________
Read You Loud And Clear...
Examples of unclear writing
(Sentences taken from actual letters received by Welfare Department in
Application for Support.)
1. I am forwarding my
marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was
baptized on a half sheet of paper.
2. I am writing the welfare
department to say my baby was born 2 years old . When do I get my money?
3. Mrs. Jones had not have
any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
4. I cannot get sick pay. I
have six children. Can you tell me why.
5. I am glad to report that
my husband who is missing is dead.
6. This is my eight child.
What are you going to do about it.
7. Please find for certain
if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or drink until he
knows.
8. I am very much annoyed
to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was
married a week before he was born.
9. In answer to your
letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is
satisfactory.
10. I am forwarding my
marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you
can see.
11. My husband got his
project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
12. Unless I get my
husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
13. You have changed my
little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference.
14. I have no children as
my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
15. In accordance with your
instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
16. I want money as quick
as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't
do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send
for another doctor.
17. Bill Smith worked for
us for six months and when he left we were happy, we hope this help his
caractor.
________________________________________________________________________
A keen Texas lad applied
for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in
the world and sold everything under the sun. "Have you ever been a
salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview. "Yes, I was a
salesman in Texas," the lad answered. The boss took an immediate liking
to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how
you made out after we close up," the boss said. The
day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock.
The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and
exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss
asked. "One," said the lad. "One?" said the boss,
obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30
sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Exactly
$101,334.53," said the young man. "How did you manage that?"
asked the boss, flabbergasted. "Well," said the lad, "this man
came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally
a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and
huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going
down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the
boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines.
Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so
I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup
truck." "You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?"
the boss asked in astonishment. "He didn't come in to buy a fish
hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons
for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go
fishing.' "
________________________________________________________________________
19 funny things to do in a
bathroom stall:
1. Stick your palm open
under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a
highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew
I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly
every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've
never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say,
"Oh no!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Man, this
water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real
loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a
high place and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did
that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus.
Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask
with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your
neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say,
"Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze
tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall
wall of your neighbor. Then say,
"Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
13. Say, "Boy, that
sure looks like a maggot."
14. Say, "Dang, I knew
that drain hole was a little too small. Now
what am I gonna do?"
15. Play a well known drum
cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll
toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous"
newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror
underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say,
"Peek-a-boo!"
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the
floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".
________________________________________________________________________
Actual Titles of 'Country'
Songs . . . yee-haw y'all
1. Her Teeth Was Stained,
But Her Heart Was Pure
2. How Can I Miss You, If
You Won't Go Away?
3. Get Your Biscuits In The
Oven, And Your Buns In Bed
4. Get Your Tongue Outta My
Mouth, 'Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye
5. I Don't Know Whether To
Kill Myself, Or Go Bowling
6. She Got The Ring and I
Got The Finger
7. You're The Reason Our
Kids Are So Ugly
8 . I Just Bought a Car
From a Guy That Stole My Girl, but The Car Don't Run; so I figure we Got An
Even Deal
9. I Keep Forgetten' I
Forgot About You
10. I Liked You Better,
Before I Knew You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby,
But My Aim's Gettin' Better
12. I Wouldn't Take Her To
a Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
13. I'll Marry You
Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
14. I'm So Miserable
Without You, It's Like Having You Here
15. Please Bypass this
Heart?
16. If I Had Shot You When
I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
17. Mama Get a Hammer
(There's a Fly On Papa's Head)
18. My Head Hurts, My Feet
Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
________________________________________________________________________
A blind guy on a bar stool
shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed
voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should
know something. Our bartender is blond and the bouncer is blond. I'm a 6'
tall, 200-pound black belt veteran of the Special Forces. The guy sitting next
to me is 6'2", weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your
right is 6'5", pushing 300 pounds and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is
blond. Think about it, mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy thinks for a moment and replies, "Nah, not if I'm
gonna have to explain it five times."
________________________________________________________________________
Once upon a time there
lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, The princess. But there was a
problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what, metal,
wood, plastic-anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were
afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he
do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard
told the king, "If Your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in
her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed. The next day, he
held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would
not melt would Marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a
Very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it
melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a huge diamond,
thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away
disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put
your hand in this bag and feel what is in there." The princess did as she
was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her
hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom
was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived
happily Ever After. Question:
What was the object in the prince's bag? They were M&M's, of course. They
melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
________________________________________________________________________
50 Fun things to do in a
final that does not matter (i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no
matter what you get on the final or midterm exams)
a.. Bring a pillow. Fall
asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez,
better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes
early.
b.. Get a copy of the exam,
run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
c.. If it is a math/science
exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with
numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
d.. Make paper airplanes
out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
e.. Talk the entire way
through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out
loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me
thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
f.. Bring cheerleaders.
g.. Walk in, get the exam,
sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I
don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long!
What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
h.. Bring a Game Boy (or
Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
i.. On the answer sheet
(book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every
question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it
conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
j.. Bring pets.
k.. Run into the exam room
looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say
"They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
l.. Fifteen minutes into
the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them
into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really
daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat
this process every fifteen minutes.
m.. Do the exam with
crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
n.. Come into the exam
wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
o.. Come down with a BAD
case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
p.. Do the entire exam in
another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams,
try using Roman numerals.
q.. Bring things to throw
at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to
you.
r.. As soon as the
instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
s.. Walk into the exam with
an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the
exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the
instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
t.. Every five minutes,
stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the
exam.
u.. Turn in the exam
approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how
easy it was.
v.. Do the entire exam as
if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam,
spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
w.. Bring a black marker.
Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
x.. Get the exam. Twenty
minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget
this!" and walk out triumphantly.
y.. Arrange a protest
before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not
everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
z.. Show up completely
drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start
crying for mommy).
aa.. Every now and then,
clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very
derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an
idea is hooked up to a Clapper. DUH!"
ab.. Comment on how sexy
the instructor is looking that day.
ac.. Come to the exam
wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start
yelling "I'm here, the Phantom of the Opera" until they drag you
away.
ad.. Go to an exam for a
class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the
instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to
every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
ae.. Upon receiving the
exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "You don't really expect
me to waste my time on this drivel? 'Days of our Lives' is on!!!"
af.. Bring a water pistol
with you. 'Nuff said.
ag.. From the moment the
exam begins, hum the theme to ~Jeopardy~. Ignore the instructor's requests for
you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin
whistling the theme to "The Bridge on the River Kwai."
ah.. Start a brawl in the
middle of the exam.
ai.. If the exam is
math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of.
Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam,
relate everything to your own life story.
aj.. Come in wearing a full
knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
ak.. Bring a friend to give
you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is
needed, because you have bad circulation.
al.. Bring cheat sheets TO
ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious...like history notes for a calculus
exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and
staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes
for references as you see fit."
am.. When you walk in,
complain about the heat. Strip.
an.. After you get the
exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try
to work it out of him/her.
ao.. One word: Wrestlemania.
ap.. Bring balloons, blow
them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
aq.. Try to get people in
the room to do the wave.
ar.. Play frisbee with a
friend at the other side of the room.
as.. Bring some large,
cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a
small sacrifice.
at.. Get deliveries of
candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes
throughout the exam.
au.. During the exam, take
apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
av.. Complete the exam with
everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
aw.. Bring a musical
instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say
"it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you,
challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during
finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
ax.. Answer the exam with
the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"
________________________________________________________________________
How many blonde jokes are
there?
None, they are all true!!!
________________________________________________________________________
There is a blonde, she
wants to buy a microwave. So she goes in and asks the sales clerk, "How
much for that microwave?" The salesclerk replies, "We don't sell
Microwaves to blondes." So the next day she dyes her hair red, and goes
in and asks the same question. The
sales clerk answers, "we don't sell microwaves to blondes." So the
next day she dyes her hair brunette and goes and asks the same question. The
salesclerk replies the same way. The blonde asks how he knows she is a blonde.
The clerk says, "That isn't a microwave it's a TV."
________________________________________________________________________
Why do they bury Attorney's
10 feet under?
Because deep down they're
really good people.
________________________________________________________________________
Talk is cheap because
supply exceeds demand.
Stupidity got us into this
mess -- why can't it get us out?
Even if you are on the
right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
There is always death and
taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.
People will accept your
ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
It's easier to fight for
one's principles than to live up to them.
I don't mind going nowhere
as long as it's an interesting path.
Anything free is worth what
you pay for it.
An optimist thinks that
this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
Indecision is the key to
flexibility.
It hurts to be on the
cutting edge.
If it ain't broke, fix it
till it is.
I don't get even, I get
odder.
Dijon vu --the same mustard
as before.
I am a nutritional
overachiever.
My inferiority complex is
not as good as yours.
I am having an out of money
experience.
I am in shape.
Round is a shape.
Not afraid of heights --
afraid of widths.
Practice safe eating --
always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is
like night.
If marriage were outlawed,
only outlaws would have in-laws.
Life is an endless struggle
full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist
you like.
You're getting old when you
get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller
coaster.
The real art of
conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to
leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain
cells go, but fat cells live forever.
You don't stop laughing
because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
________________________________________________________________________
MORE ways to annoy the
person next to you in a public library
53. Instead of a laptop,
bring your entire computer!
54. While working at a
laptop, suddenly stand up, and announce to every one, "I have
mail!!"
55. Start staring at the
person, and when you have their attention, announce, "I measure sock by
thickness!"
56. Turn to the person next
to you, and ask them to pronounce their name backwards. When they ask you why,
tell them that you are looking for hidden messages.
57. State proudly that you
have been to the 'other' side. Give no explanation.
58. Suddenly grasp your
heart, let out a wail, and fall to the ground. Then get back up like nothing
happened.
59. Collapse on the floor.
Then get up like nothing happened. When the person next to asked what is
wrong, look at him/her with an inquiring look on your face, and say,
"What do you mean?"
60. Say, "It always
starts so weird, and they do it so weird." When they ask,
"What?" say, "Ohh, sorry. I'm back now."
61. Start telling a VERY
strange story, then half way through say, "Never mind."
62. Turn to them and while
pointing your fingers at them as if you were electrocuting them, say,
"BUZZ!!! BUZZ!!. . ."
63. Start arguing with
yourself. When they ask you who you are talking to, say, "Your just
jealous 'cause the voices are talking to ME!!!"
64. Say, "Who's
Freddie?" Then act like you didn't say anything.
65. Say, "Argh! My
central nervous system in shot! Quick! Give me blue china!!!"
________________________________________________________________________
Deep Thought: Sometimes
when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into
the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes
and dreams. If I didn't drink
this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then
I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
---by Jack Handy
________________________________________________________________________
A police officer in a small
town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer.
"I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets
back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I
said to keep quiet! You're going
to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and
said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll
be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it,"
answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
________________________________________________________________________
An American soldier,
serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense
action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was
on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked
the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat
was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by
her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in
that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier,
sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people.
Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked
away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the
end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very
tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You
Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The
soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog,
tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The
woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir,
you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat
holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of
the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong dog out of the window."
________________________________________________________________________
Advice for Men While
Golfing or Peeing in Public
10. Back straight, knees
bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick back
swing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anyone.
4. If you are taking too
long, please let others go ahead of you.
3. Don't stand directly in
front of others.
2. Quiet please!... while
others are preparing to go.
1. Don't take extra
strokes.
________________________________________________________________________
YOU CAN'T JUDGE A PERSON BY
THE CLOTHES WORN
A lady in a faded gingham
dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the
train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the Harvard
University president's outer office. The
secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no
business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge. She
frowned. "We want to see the
president," the man said softly. "He'll be busy all day," the
secretary snapped. "We'll
wait," the lady replied. For hours, the secretary ignored them, hoping
that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away.
They didn't, and the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to
disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted.
"Maybe if they just see you for a few minutes they'll leave," she
told him. He signed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance
obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham
dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. The president,
stern faced with dignity, strutted toward the couple. The lady told him,
"We had a son who attended Harvard for one year.
He loved Harvard. He was
happy here. But about a year ago,
he was accidentally killed. And
my husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on
campus." The president wasn't touched, he was shocked.
"Madam," he said gruffly, "We can't put up a statue for
every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look
like a cemetery."
"Oh, no," the lady
explained quickly. "We don't
want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to
Harvard." The president rolled his eyes.
He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed,
"A building! Do you have any
earthly idea how much a building costs? We
have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical plant at
Harvard." For a moment the lady was silent.
The president was pleased. He
could get rid of them now. And the lady turned to her husband and said
quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a university?
Why don't we just start our own?" Her husband nodded.
The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.
And Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford walked away, traveling to Palo Alto,
California, where they established the university that bears their name, a
memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about. You can easily judge the
character of others by how they treat those who do nothing for them or to
them.
________________________________________________________________________
This is a true
story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a
recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the
Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word
Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual
dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer support employee (now we know why
they record these conversations!)
"Ridge Hall computer
assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having
trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of
trouble?"
"Well, I was just
typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They
disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does
your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't
accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in
WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:
prompt on the screen?"
"What's a
sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you
move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any
cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor
have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?
"It's the thing with
the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells
you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on
the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you
see that?"
"Yes, I think
so."
"Great. Follow the
cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind
the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back
of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I
need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it
is."
"Follow it for me, and
tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you
see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put
your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because
I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -- the office
light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the
office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a
power failure."
"A power... A power
failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
...Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep
them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them,
and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then
take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that
bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it
is."
"Well, all right then,
I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too
stupid to own a computer!"
________________________________________________________________________
The Bitter Soldier
The soldier serving in eastern Asia was annoyed and upset when his girl
sent him a "Dear John" letter, breaking off their engagement and
asking
for her photograph back.
The serviceman went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted
photographs of women that he could find. Then he bundled them all together
and sent them back to the girl with a note saying: "Regret cannot
remember
which one is you - please keep your photo and return the others. |
