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Jokes from Thanatos

I met this guy on the internet and he's always(!) got a joke for me when I talk to him.  Finally one day I convinced him to just send me all his jokes so I could put them on my site.  Little did I know he'd send me over 50 pages of jokes in 2 Word documents.  This guy deserves some credit, these are great jokes.  So read on, but be ready to sit for a while reading these jokes.

In just two days tomorrow will be yesterday. But I never saw either on the calendar

Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, He takes something for it.

Never be afraid to try something new, Remember amateurs built the ark - Professionals built the Titanic.

Love is grand - divorce is a hundred grand.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common, they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

One of life's mysteries - How can a two pound box of candy make a person gain five pounds.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

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Bubba and Earl were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

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Definition of an engineer - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

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Signs it's your last day at work ......

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox and gave her your mail.

As a woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn!" Your boss is standing behind you. And it's his wife.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.

You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"

You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

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A man and a women are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the man says, "So you're a woman, that's interesting. I'm a man. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days. The woman replied, "I agree with you completely." "This must be a sign from God!" The man continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the woman, The woman nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the man. The man takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the woman. The woman asks, "Aren't you having any?" The man replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

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What happens when a clown has flatulency?

It smells funny.

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A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4,000 to repair. She said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it. The body man decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out." She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit. "What are you doing?" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide. "I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car," explained the first blonde. "Well silly, it's not going to work," replied her neighbor. "Why not?" asked the first blonde. "Because you've got to roll up the windows first."

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One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

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A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house." The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?" The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is **I have a headache** and the other story is **It's that time of the month.** "

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What do you name a dog with no legs?

Nothing, he won't come when you call him anyway!!

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10 Reasons Why You Should Ask Your Boss For A Raise

10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.

9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.

8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.

7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.

6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.

5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.

4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender."

3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.

2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.

1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.

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There was a bear and a rabbit. Now Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them. The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case. Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

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25 Signs that Your Getting OLD

1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

2. Your back goes out more than you do.

3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.

5. You are proud of your lawn mower.

6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.

7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

8. You sing along with the elevator music.

9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."

14. You send money to PBS.

15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

16. You take a metal detector to the beach.

17. You know what the word "equity" means.

18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

19. Your ears are hairier than your head.

20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.

23. You can go bowling without drinking.

24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

25. People send you this list.

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An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

PS: Sure is hot down here.

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What do you call a fish without an eye?

A fsh!!!!

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On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

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Hard work often pays off over time, but laziness pays off now.

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A stupid man who answers every question with "I Don't Know" is truly wise for he is never wrong.

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Haircuts - The difference between men and women

Women's version:

================

Woman 2: Oh!  You got a haircut!  That's so cute!

Woman 1: Do you think so?  I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror.  I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 2: Oh Heavens no!  No, it's perfect.  I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide.  I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 1: Are you serious?  I think your face is adorable.  And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think.  I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 2: Oh - that's funny!  I would love to have your neck!  Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman 1: Are you kidding?  I know girls that would love to have your shoulders.  Everything drapes so well on you.  I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are?  If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Men's version:

=============

Man 2:  Haircut?

Man 1:  Yeah.

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Can you imagine working for the following company?  It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

- 29 have been accused of spousal abuse.

- 7 have been arrested for fraud

- 19 have been accused of passing bad checks.

-117 have bankrupted at least two businesses.

- 3 have been arrested for assault.

- 71 cannot get credit or loans due to bad credit histories.

- 14 have been arrested on drug related charges.

- 8 have been arrested for shoplifting.

- 21 are current defendants on various lawsuits.

- In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving.

Can you guess what organization this is? Give up?  It is the 535 members of the U.S. Congress that work for me and you.  The same group that cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

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There once was a man from New Haven

Whose daughter resembled a raven.

He daily would feed

Her only birdseed.

Just think of the money he's savin'!

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For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love!  An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

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There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man.  One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drives off. The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves. The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.  Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me! What happened?" God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"

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Little Johnny was walking down the street. He noticed something shiny in the middle of the road. "Hey look," he said to his friend, "it's a quarter!" His friend rushed into the middle of the street and got run over by a car. Little Johnny laughed and laughed "Ha ha, it was only a nickel!"

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If Men TRULY Ran The World...

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the rear and a "Nice hustle, you'll get' em next time" would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.

5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

6. Garbage would take itself out.

7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Two words..."Ally McNaked".

12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".

19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

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Read You Loud And Clear...

Examples of unclear writing (Sentences taken from actual letters received by Welfare Department in Application for Support.)

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

2. I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old . When do I get my money?

3. Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why.

5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

6. This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it.

7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows.

8. I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

9. In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.

10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see.

11. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

13. You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference.

14. I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

15. In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

16. I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send  for another doctor.

17. Bill Smith worked for us for six months and when he left we were happy, we hope this help his caractor.

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A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun. "Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview. "Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered. The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said. The  day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock.  The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked. "One," said the lad. "One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted. "Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck." "You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment. "He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "

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19 funny things to do in a bathroom stall:

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh no!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Man, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor.  Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

14. Say, "Dang, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.  Now what am I gonna do?"

15. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

16. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

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Actual Titles of 'Country' Songs . . . yee-haw y'all

1. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

2. How Can I Miss You, If You Won't Go Away?

3. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In Bed

4. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth, 'Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye

5. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself, Or Go Bowling

6. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger

7. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

8 . I Just Bought a Car From a Guy That Stole My Girl, but The Car Don't Run; so I figure we Got An Even Deal

9. I Keep Forgetten' I Forgot About You

10. I Liked You Better, Before I Knew You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

12. I Wouldn't Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

13. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

14. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

15. Please Bypass this Heart?

16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

17. Mama Get a Hammer (There's a Fly On Papa's Head)

18. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus

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A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blond and the bouncer is blond. I'm a 6' tall, 200-pound black belt veteran of the Special Forces. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5", pushing 300 pounds and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blond. Think about it, mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"  The blind guy thinks for a moment and replies, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, The princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what, metal, wood, plastic-anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If Your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would Marry her and inherit the king's wealth.  Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a Very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in this bag and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily Ever After.  Question: What was the object in the prince's bag? They were M&M's, of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

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50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final or midterm exams)

a.. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

b.. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

c.. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

d.. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

e.. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

f.. Bring cheerleaders.

g.. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

h.. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.

i.. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

j.. Bring pets.

k.. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

l.. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

m.. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

n.. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

o.. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

p.. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

q.. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

r.. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

s.. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

t.. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

u.. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

v.. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

w.. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

x.. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.

y.. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

z.. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

aa.. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a Clapper. DUH!"

ab.. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

ac.. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the Phantom of the Opera" until they drag you away.

ad.. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

ae.. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "You don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? 'Days of our Lives' is on!!!"

af.. Bring a water pistol with you. 'Nuff said.

ag.. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to ~Jeopardy~. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to "The Bridge on the River Kwai."

ah.. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

ai.. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

aj.. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

ak.. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

al.. Bring cheat sheets TO ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious...like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

am.. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

an.. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

ao.. One word: Wrestlemania.

ap.. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

aq.. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

ar.. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

as.. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

at.. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

au.. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

av.. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

aw.. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

ax.. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

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How many blonde jokes are there?

None, they are all true!!!

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There is a blonde, she wants to buy a microwave. So she goes in and asks the sales clerk, "How much for that microwave?" The salesclerk replies, "We don't sell Microwaves to blondes." So the next day she dyes her hair red, and goes in and asks the same question.  The sales clerk answers, "we don't sell microwaves to blondes." So the next day she dyes her hair brunette and goes and asks the same question. The salesclerk replies the same way. The blonde asks how he knows she is a blonde. The clerk says, "That isn't a microwave it's a TV."

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Why do they bury Attorney's 10 feet under?

Because deep down they're really good people.

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Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

I don't get even, I get odder.

Dijon vu --the same mustard as before.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I am in shape.  Round is a shape.

Not afraid of heights -- afraid of widths.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

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MORE ways to annoy the person next to you in a public library

53. Instead of a laptop, bring your entire computer!

54. While working at a laptop, suddenly stand up, and announce to every one, "I have mail!!"

55. Start staring at the person, and when you have their attention, announce, "I measure sock by thickness!"

56. Turn to the person next to you, and ask them to pronounce their name backwards. When they ask you why, tell them that you are looking for hidden messages.

57. State proudly that you have been to the 'other' side. Give no explanation.

58. Suddenly grasp your heart, let out a wail, and fall to the ground. Then get back up like nothing happened.

59. Collapse on the floor. Then get up like nothing happened. When the person next to asked what is wrong, look at him/her with an inquiring look on your face, and say, "What do you mean?"

60. Say, "It always starts so weird, and they do it so weird." When they ask, "What?" say, "Ohh, sorry. I'm back now."

61. Start telling a VERY strange story, then half way through say, "Never mind."

62. Turn to them and while pointing your fingers at them as if you were electrocuting them, say, "BUZZ!!! BUZZ!!. . ."

63. Start arguing with yourself. When they ask you who you are talking to, say, "Your just jealous 'cause the voices are talking to ME!!!"

64. Say, "Who's Freddie?" Then act like you didn't say anything.

65. Say, "Argh! My central nervous system in shot! Quick! Give me blue china!!!"

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Deep Thought: Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.  If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

---by Jack Handy

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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.  "But officer." the man began, "I can explain". "Just be quiet," snapped the officer.  "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet!  You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.  Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong dog out of the window."

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Advice for Men While Golfing or Peeing in Public

10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

9. Form a loose grip.

8. Keep your head down.

7. Avoid a quick back swing.

6. Stay out of the water.

5. Try not to hit anyone.

4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

3. Don't stand directly in front of others.

2. Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.

1. Don't take extra strokes.

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YOU CAN'T JUDGE A PERSON BY THE CLOTHES WORN

A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the Harvard University president's outer office.  The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge. She frowned.  "We want to see the president," the man said softly. "He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped.  "We'll wait," the lady replied. For hours, the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away.  They didn't, and the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted. "Maybe if they just see you for a few minutes they'll leave," she told him. He signed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern faced with dignity, strutted toward the couple. The lady told him, "We had a son who attended Harvard for one year.  He loved Harvard.  He was happy here.  But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed.  And my husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus." The president wasn't touched, he was shocked.  "Madam," he said gruffly, "We can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery."   "Oh, no," the lady explained quickly.  "We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard." The president rolled his eyes.  He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building!  Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs?  We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical plant at Harvard." For a moment the lady was silent.  The president was pleased.  He could get rid of them now. And the lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a university?  Why don't we just start our own?" Her husband nodded.  The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.  And Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California, where they established the university that bears their name, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about. You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who do nothing for them or to them.

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This is a true  story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a  recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer support employee (now we know why they record these conversations!)

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes -- the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.  ...Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!"

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The Bitter Soldier

The soldier serving in eastern Asia was annoyed and upset when his girl
sent him a "Dear John" letter, breaking off their engagement and asking
for her photograph back.

The serviceman went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted
photographs of women that he could find. Then he bundled them all together
and sent them back to the girl with a note saying: "Regret cannot remember
which one is you - please keep your photo and return the others.

The difference between men and women:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item, if he wants it.  A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.  A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.  A successful woman is one who can find that man.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.  To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man can forget his past mistakes, there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.
A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't.  A man marries a woman expecting her not to change and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.  Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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Quick Comebacks to use in your neighborhood tavern .....

"What's new ?"  "Terrorists. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."

"What'd you like?"  "A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"Hey, how's the world been treating you?"  "Like a baby treats a diaper."

"What's the story ?"  "The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey, there's a cold one waiting for you."  "I know; if she calls, I'm not here."

"What's going on?"  "A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Whatcha up to?"  "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"What's going down?"  "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer?"  "Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"What's the story?"  "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"What's going on?"  "The question is what's going IN, Mr. Peterson?"

"A beer please, Woody."

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The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string.  It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

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Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.

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Computer Acronyms

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

WWW - World Wide Wait

COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

CD-ROM - Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.

MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

RISC - Reduced Into Silly Code

SCSI - System Can't See It

DOS - Defective Operating System

BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM - I Blame Microsoft

DEC - Do Expect Cuts

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I read an article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

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Things men know:

Men know that PMS is Mother Natures way of telling you to get out of the house.

Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.

Men know that there are at least three sides to every story; his, hers, and the truth.

Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man not to stare at her cleavage.

Men know that the reason men don't like cats is because they don't know how to cook them.

Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

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You Might Be A Redneck If...

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

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Words of Wisdom:

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Borrow money from pessimists: they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn.  She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and  coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.

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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?

Just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

If you crossed a chicken with a zebra would you get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?

If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?

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A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men's room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR". Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!." Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.

When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover.."

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New and Interesting Thanksgiving Turkey Uses

As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with.

As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, "Aren't they a wonderful band!" for the 25th time.

As a hood ornament.

As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Harriet can't kiss you and say, "How much you've grown!"

As a football for the after-meal game.

Fill it with whip cream - watch the fun.

Bury in the yard; for future midnight snacks.

If you're flying home, take the carcass as a carry-on. See what it looks like in the X-ray machine. Better et, put it in a pet carrier and ask the flight attendant for some chicken feed.

As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to test the range of the splatter upon impact.

As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!)

As a doorstop to keep your relatives out.

Makes a great doggie chew toy.

Wear as a helmet, declaring, "I'm TURKEYMAN!"

Before serving, paste feathers on the poor naked creature.

Secretly replace with Folgers turkey crystals.

Place a speaker inside the bird, and from another room, amaze your guests with this talking fowl!

Throw the turkey out the window yelling, "You're FREE! Fly! FLY!"

Two words: Turkey puppet.

Toss the carcass into a turkey farm to intimidate next year's stock.

Attach to a fishing pole, slowly drive around the neighborhood in the back of a pickup

and see how many dogs follow you.

From a concealed location, toss in front of a passing car. When they stop, run out screaming that they hit your dog!

As in an old murder mystery, question all the dinner guests in an attempt to discover who killed the guest of honor.

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Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.

- - - - - - - - - -

Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

- - - - - - - - -

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

- - - - - - - - - -

This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

- - - - - - - - - -

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

- - - - - - - - -

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

- - - - - - - - - -

If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

- - - - - - - - - -

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

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Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

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Fun At the  Drive-Thru

Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order- takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please".

In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

Drive through with a carload of naked people.

Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order,

have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

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As I said before, I never repeat myself

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Drink until she's cute, but stop before the wedding

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder

Don't hit a man with glasses.....Use your fist

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes

When everything's going your way, you're driving in the wrong lane

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Excuses and opinions are like butts everyone's got 'em and they all stink.

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In Phoenix, Arizona the law states that every man who enters the city limits must wear pants.

In Hackberry, Arizona there is a law that prohibits women from eating raw onions while drinking buttermilk on Sunday.

In some parts of the south, a widow or divorced woman isn't allowed to dry her underwear on the front porch or on a clothesline before the sun goes down.

In some parts of the south, women aren't allowed to eat pickles with their feet up on porch railings.

It is illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas while within the state.

The state legislature passed a law that the Arkansas River can raise no higher than the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.

Florida prohibits topless walking within a 150 foot zone between the beach and the street.

In Florida it is illegal to jog with your eyes closed.